Amo, amas, amat et cetera

Name: Chad

Scripture: Mark 12:28-30

OAP: I have been thinking alot about love lately. As a justifcation, as an idea, as a cause. Everything that I am doing revolves around it. First I think a rough defintion is in order: To love, to value something more than you value yourself. The OED didn't do so great in it's deffination so I supplied my own. I think it is important to realize that love has different levels, tiers. I can love something, by defnintion more than myself, yet care for something in a even greater amount, (x>y>z> Chad, would result in me loving x,y and z, yet clearly ranked). I have said that this month is inherently selfish, and I still believe that, but it bears clarification that it is selfish in the fact that I value my relationship with God over my relationship with others. I had to define that, I had to rank what I care about. Do I listen to God here or do I uphold my responsibilities? Can I do both? What do I value more?
My whole experience has been defined by love, centered around it. I entered into the fast because of a lack of love, finding it hard to find something that I truly cared about. Then came a discovery of what I didn't love, and what I do. It isn't as clear cut as I would like. I find the question not so much as, Do I love God more than this but rather, Do I love listening to God right now in this second more than my quiz right now, a quiz that can't be made up and a infinitely graceful God. Which do I care about more in this second, in this minute. My knowledge of what I love has been shaken up hugely within these past few weeks. I have had a lot of time and I don't miss some of the people I thought I would, others whom I wouldn't have assumed I find myself caring about immensely. I think I define it by what comes to mind when I kneel down to pray, who am I most worried about, what am I going to love so much that I give completely to God. By not being able to reach out in any other way my true will has become completely exposed, with no actual interaction to distort or hide it.
The funny thing about it is that I have been finding out how little I want my will to mean. I hope that it affects little in my life, but the exposer of it is very interesting to me. I am getting to know myself much better as I am learning to ignore myself.

I write all of this because of something that has been bothering me, yet not bothering me at all. My abrupt departure with no explanation, with the exception of a quick facebook note. Friday night to Monday night, that span was amazing for me. In that time I had an overwhelming sense of consolation, for that 100 hour period I was doing exactly what I was meant to be doing at that time. Exactly what God's will was for me, dead on. It was perfect. Not to say that much of this other time isn't, but in that period everything was. Now I have already felt a decent amount of anger, or confusion, or hurt directed towards me and I fully expect that I will find more when I dive back into community. I was selfish leaving, I have responsibilities and expectations that were not fulfilled. What I was doing was good, but it was my good. It was the good I put forward, often with prayer involved, and even with the best intentions, yet it was without a doubt at least partially mine. I wish I did not hurt people, I did, it is the result of my pride. But in this time I have found that I love God more than I love you. I have realized in these weeks whom I love, people that I genuainly care about atleast as much as myself, a few more. But there is an order, and everyone that I possibly have hurt, you are not at the top. Some whom I would do almost anything not to hurt, that I wish would be me instead. But, without a doubt in my mind, no contest.