I think i have mono.

Name: josh
Scripture: Proverbs 23

"13 Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.

14 Punish him with the rod
and save his soul from death."

OAP: Sometimes i get confused with the idea of forgiveness. Or the New Testament forgiveness at least. How when we do something wrong we can be washed clean with a prayer at no cost to us. But in this proverb and the way my parents raised me, when you do something wrong you get a punishment or some sort of consequence to help you realize what you did wrong. It hurts but helps you grow and gain discipline. Sometimes i feel like i won't learn my lesson without a punishment, and desire consequences for my actions. But because of Jesus' death for sin, God just forgives now. Now i can just pray and repent for my action and i'm good to go. Is it wrong to think that that's too easy? I know i'm not supposed to be able to understand God's grace or compassion and mercy, but i feel like i might learn my lesson faster if i actually get punished when i mess up. Is it wrong to want to be punished? I don't know. Religion really confuses me

Really, no idea why I am posting...

The cute decision that I made recently was that I was pretty sure I no longer wanted good, rather I want Jesus. In my mind that is an important distinction to make but I am going to backtrack a little bit, because I need to find what I really want.
Let's start with where I started, when I began high school (about the same time I started caring about God) I wanted to be happy.
I had a whole semester of "being happy class" and through studying the attempts of people to be happy since the beginning of time , or at least since they started recording it, I think I came to the conclusion that if there was a good (read: good), then embracing that would make me happy, because I think I wanted good. But at the same time I wanted happiness. I did things that didn't make me happy because I thought they were good.
I've been ignoring happiness and pursuing good because I thought they were connected. I was prepared to not be happy, but I think I still want to be happy, or at least part of the deal would be me being happy.
If I were to continue what I have been doing then the transition would be from wanting good to wanting God. That is how it is supposed to work in the whole developing Christian thing. You are supposed to want to be happy, that's being alive, and then you are supposed to realize that goodness is linked with happiness and then you are supposed to do some good, figure out that it made you a little happy, want some more of that, figure out that God is unbridled good, want God, have the happiness taken away so that you can discover if you really want to be happy or if you really want good (read: God), then you get your Christian power stone and evolve into a stage two Christian so that you can fight the enemy at his gates with your Holy Spirit hydro pump, win the battle that has already been won by God, die to yourself again all the while recruiting new members so they don't miss out on the winning, have a physical death and lose your own identity to become fully who you were made to be in it's purest form which is a part of God, at this point you evolve into a level three Christian becoming one with God to live in his kingdom for ever and ever, which is what you want because it is God because God is good and this makes you happy thus completing the goal of ethics.
I'm not sure if this bores me, or I just want to be happy. I think those are the two options about how I am feeling.
I had a long talk with Amanda assuming that it simply bores me, I'm not sure if that is true but it was fun to play with. The idea was that God is good, God is God, therefore good wins game over, boring. She was concerned about my level of reverence for God, I responded that I have a huge reverence and therefore completely assume he is faithful in what he has said and act accordingly, I'm just not excited about it because I truly believe it. Ryan has said a few times that there is no point in playing a game that you can't win, I don't think I see the point in playing a game that you have already won, (unless of course it is Risk and Ian refuses to admit defeat until I remove every last one of his pieces with my 200 man army). Actually let's assume it's that, the enemy refuses to admit defeat and is hoping to make a 200 roll streak with one man on Siam. That would be boring, but still understandable, in this game there is no 200 roll streak that he can win, it's already over, it's just not being admitted. This is stupid. I don't like it and it bores me.
The second option was that maybe I don't want God, maybe I just want to be happy. Maybe I don't even care about that maybe I just want to enjoy life now and have a good time. I certainly want to do that most of the time but don't for the simple reason of practicality, maybe that is unnecessary and I should just go with it. Here is the part that makes me not want to talk to people about this: I, in my own power, can make myself happy. I'm almost positive that I can, and I know the whole rebuttal to that but I don't believe it. The church response is always that you can have a good time in the short term but long term it won't work out. Honestly, barring a concerted effort on God's part to mess me up, I am set up so perfectly right now that I fully believe I can use the resources available to me to become happy in the short term and then continue that long term indefinitely until I die. I can reconcile that thought with a complete trust in God extremely easily. I don't do this because either I believe that God is the way to happiness or I truly have given up my want for happiness in favor of something greater. But that still has the remnants of selfishness. Robinson once said that being a Christian is the most selfish thing you can do and a friend of mine flipped out on him, but I agree with Robinson, or at least I did at the time, that being a Christian is the most selfish because in the end you see yourself winning. What I am trying to decide here is if I am going to want to be happy no matter what. That would suck.
I can form every answer, if someone was telling me this, I know what to say, I don't know if I care about those answers.
I felt bad, when I was talking to Amanda, she wanted to fix me and I kept trying to avoid talking about me because I wasn't going to get fixed through talking.
When you write a article you have to break everything into short paragraphs, no more than a few sentences at max, I wrote nine inches yesterday and I had ten paragraphs.
Is it possible to not want happiness? I suspect that is important to me. Is the Christian walk just figuring out different ways to be happy, redefining happiness?
What's the freedom for? I've been playing with that a lot lately, it has been my validation for not doing christiany things, knowing that I am free from the rituals and the necessity to pray, or read my bible, or do anything that Scotty could keep my accountable for. I've heard the argument they aren't necessary but rather the result of fidelity, a natural overflow. I'm pretty sure that's mostly BS and am trying to figure out what we are free for.
I stopped the rituals.
I could do a few things, I could ignore it and move on that would be a simple one, but I don't think it would last for more than a few months before I'm back here again. I could sit down with good friends and talk through it, talk to God, understand why I am in this place figure out how I will grow from it, and keep going. I could deal with it. I think that would lead me up to a long term crash eventually. Or I l could lay here and complain about it, that leads to.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to post this, I don't really know why. I wrote it in a very postable style but the only point would be...attention, or maybe having people talk to me about it which I don't want anyway, maybe I do and just won't admit it, both of them. If I post it may just be as a ritual, no good would come of it really. It's not like I can say I am doing it for our small group, because let's be honest four people even check this and none of them are looking for an example, or if someone was this whole post would be a pretty bad example. I just referred to it as a post, so I think I want to, no idea why tho, probably some underlying need for attention.

Cheating

Name: Chad
Scripture: Psalm 137

How can we sing to the Lord?
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion.
We hanged our harps upon the willows in the midst thereof.
For there they that carried us away captive required of us a song; and they that wasted us required of us mirth, saying, Sing us one of the songs of Zion.
How shall we sing the LORDS song in a strange land?
5 If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning.
If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth; if I prefer not Jerusalem above my chief joy.
Remember, O LORD, the children of Edom in the day of Jerusalem; who said, Rase it, rase it, even to the foundation thereof.
O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us.
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

OAP: I think I will lose the accountability bet with Scott, but technically I haven't yet. I don't want to soap again yet; I don't want to lose; I decided to cheat.
This is an explication I wrote for my English class. I started it four hours before it was due, in my car, in between my History final and my IR final. It is my soap for tonight. I find this situation/post fairly humorous btw.

Trust, Love and Infanticide
It is easy to sing Praises in the land of milk and honey. To worship during times of trials is a higher calling that few can do earnestly. In “Psalm 137” the author, “most likely a captive Levite” (Treasury), explores the conditions of his thankfulness. No longer able to love God for pleasures sake, the Israelites are invited to continue their relationship and love God solely for God’s sake. Through a time of spiritual and physical desolation the psalmist leans on the foundations of understanding his own brokenness, God’s glory and God’s justice.
The Israelites worshiped and connected with God through singing praises in his holy city, a land promised to them. The opening line of the Psalm highlights Israelites separation from God’s creation and placement into the creation of humanity. The “rivers of Babylon” (l. 1) are not the natural rivers of the region but rather canals that the Babylonians created themselves. These canals are shallow imitations of the Tigris or the Euphrates, a constant reminder of failure as the Jews passively “sat mourning” (l. 1). The title, a frustrated question which is also mirrored in line 4, addresses a central conflict, that of keeping fidelity to God when the means of praise would be a mockery of itself. Robert Bellarmine noted that “they could not attempt to expose their sacred hymns to the ridicule of gentiles”(Treasury), for the Babylonians only “asked… for the words of a song” (l. 3), a hollow shell resembling praise. The removal of God’s felt presence transformed a tool of worship into temptation.
The individual conflict of this temptation for the psalmist becomes evident through his shifting from the plural first person pronoun “we”(l.4) in line four to the singular “I” (l. 5) in the following line. The communal lamentation evolves into a personal struggle in which the speaker declares fidelity as his only concern. Jesus will later echo this psalm stating that “if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away” (Matt 5:30). The psalmist promises if the songs of worship are not sung with the purest of intentions, if God “is not exalt[ed…] beyond all [his] delights”(l. 6), then what had previously been one of his chief joys, an incarnation of praise, is nothing but a ritual in which God takes no delight (Leviticus 26:31). Singing a song of joy has no place in this foreign land, yet the cry of frustration is in itself a song, one not of a reaction to the situation God placed him in, but of remembrance and trust in the future.
The writer has complete confidence that justice will be enacted and that he himself has already won. The Hebrew word “shadad” (Lexicon) is used both as a curse and a judgment. The tense of “shadad” (Lexicon) is ambiguous, while it may very well be as many scholars translate it, an active appositive, as “Babylon, you destroyer”, such as it is translated in the New American Standard Bible, an equally plausible translation is as a gerundive, “Babylon, about to be destroyed” as in the King James Version. Moral justification is not even a question, he is certain his cry is in conjunction with the will of God, so doubtless that those who “not with [Him are] against [Him]” (Luke 11:23) that he writes possibly the most controversial passage in all of Hebrew scripture: “Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock” (l. 9). The implications are clear, all who favor the oppression of the Jews are guilty and condemned to death, to end the generations of a hostile people is justice in the eyes of the psalmist.
“Psalm 137” is written in frustration and anger; the common tools of worship have become idols in the presence of the Babylonian. It is easy to sing praises when in the temple; it is easier still to rely on the habits of singing when in a trying time. The psalmist recognizes the time for everything “a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4) and yet even while he cries out for murder of infants, he cries out in trust. The psalm’s bitter stance toward worship, when taken as an honest heart, becomes itself a deeper form of praise.

i dont want this to be another day

i want to live now.

"19We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. 20We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true—even in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life." - 1 John 5

i hate the state of the world we live in. i hate the depravity i constantly find myself sinking into. i know the truth and life God offers me and how badly i need it. i know it well. but do i take it as my own? im tired of days and weeks and routines and the things around me. i know there has to be something more here and i believe that. i find god in moments, interactions, situations. and those are some great moments. but most other times suck pretty hard. why am i not living in him always? i feel like my life has become an on/off switch. and most off the time im just off.

Ain't no river wide

Name: Scott
Scripture:

"9And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."-Philippians 1:9-11

OAP:
This is my prayer for myself as I prepare to build new relationships in the fall and continue on my journey. This is also my prayer for a few specific people who are also leaving and will be faced with negativity and temptation and things not from Jesus. Love is what will keep us pure and blameless. Knowing how to best portray love is something that will hopefully come over time.

Jesus, teach me how to love.

Lions for Lambs

Name: Scott
Scripture: Matthew 17:19-21
"Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, 'Whhy couldn't we drive it out?' He replied, 'Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you c an say to this mountain, 'move form here to there' and it will move Nothing will be impossible for you.'"
OAP:
I don't fully understand why Peter and the gang weren't able to drive out that demon because of little faith. They obviously had to have had some degree of faith to be following Jesus, so it was obviously bigger than a mustard seed or whatever.

Maybe the reason that I have been asking God 'why have I not been hearing you or seeing cool things from you' is because I have not had enough faith that he will do things or something.

Show me where I am lacking in faith. Point out my weak areas so I can try to deal with them.

The most useless blog post yet

Name: Chad
Scripture: Proverbs 21-22
OAP:
I really didn't want to do this again, I haven't since Hume, I didn't at Hume either. Actually, I still don't want to do this. I'm not sure if I am going to. (Judging by the way I am writing this I have been reading way too many stream of consciousness authors) I got sick of pastor answers while at Hume, sick of the nonstop growth and learning that has been happening with me for the past 6 months, sick of God teaching me things and discovering things about myself, sick of learning how to love God better. Scott and I decided to be accountable about the blog this week, but reading quickly over Proverb 21, I don't think that I want to yet.

Knalybralt (v.)- The pace between a skip and a run

Name: Scott 
Scripture: 2 Chronicles 6; Matthew 7:7-11

At Terra Nova last night, we went through Matthew 7:7-11. "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."

It was interesting to see everyone's response to this passage. Some people saw this passage just as I see it, and that was cool because they were able to express it in more words than I can. Some people took different takes on it, and our conversation went in a zillion different directions. 

Tony and I were pretty much on the same page. This passage makes a point to say KEEP ON asking, and you will receive. KEEP ON seeking, and you will find. Our faith is an active one, and it requires us to be on our toes constantly. God is not going to work with us if we say, "God, please do this. Thanks" or "God, show me this" and then expect him to just drop something on our doorstep, or speak in a booming voice like he did to Moses. Perseverance is a must. God already knows what we want, and if we are close enough with him, our desires are already his desires. We need to show him that we really desire the things that we ask of him, and are even willing to sacrifice something to get whatever it is.

  *(Sidenote- today was payday. I got a pretty hefty check. I took the money out of my account that I need to tithe on Sunday, and I also had a couple bills leftover from something else. I didn't want to have these extra bills, but whatever. As I was coming to Starbucks to do this blog, I got off at Almaden, which I never do. I was all the way back, and by the time I crossed the light, I saw that homeless lady that is always standing on the corner. I didn't even have any cash with me, but I kind of wish that 1. I had the cash to give to her and 2. I had been far enough forward that she had come to my window. At the same time I was glad I still had my money, because I think that I still would've had to tithe that money if I gave it to her. After sitting here a while, the shift that was on came up to me and gave me $85 worth of tips from the past two weeks. After I had gotten my paycheck this morning! "Listen to the little man in your head. He thinks a lot of the same things I do. Don't worry about anything. I will always provide for you, even when you don't expect it. See?")

2 Chronicles is Solomon's long prayer to God that he makes right before he opens the Temple he has just built. I liked it, because I have been not praying. At all. For a while. And now being convicted of it. And this was a good example of a sweet prayer that a wise man said. Read it or something.

God, I am still working on trusting that you have a plan for me. Give me opportunities to spend time with you that I very well can not take. And if I do take them, then good. But knowing me, I will probably take a nap. Thanks for being here for me. 

What to read

Name: Chad
Scripture: I Kings 7; Matthew 7:1-23
OAP: I am disappointed to find that the soap is back in Matthew, during my trip I finished up Corinthians, James and some of 1st Peter. I liked those better. Constructive reflections on Jesus, ways to adjust, Jesus is much more big picture radical. It probably didn't help that I chose to read these in KJV.

I am reading a few books right now, one of them is Paradise Lost, without a doubt it is a great book, but it is a slow read and though I know it is worth the effort in the long term to adjust my lens, I find myself much more willing to pick up specific poetry or a book I know to be relevant to what I am dealing with. This is not to say that I ignore Milton, I just have placed him on the second tier for my priorities. I know that I will be changed by Milton, but in a big picture way not dealing with the immediate, whereas Donne is going to speak to where I am at.

It is the same here. Long term world view versus immediate growth. Matthew versus James. Both are good.

God, Father, I don't know. The plan is mine, if it is good let me see the good fruit, if it is not let me not follow through, see the bad fruit and abandon the tree. Here it goes.

Unconditional

Josh and I mentioned today that we have gone for 10 days without using a direct scripture reference. I'm going to continue that apparently.

There were quite a few running jokes this week, the one for me was that I don't feel anything. This came from some reflection times, reactions to some scenes, and a mention that I don't burn easily. A typical one would go like this: On the volcano, "Watch one of us is going to misjudge and fall straight through", "Oh don't worry about Chad he'd be down in the lava, 'Guys, I just don't feel anything right now'". A few things inspired alot in many of the guys, myself included. Things from the houses of some of our children literally in a garbage dump, their bare mattresses covered in flys, with teenagers snorting five feet from their doors, to children holding hands in a graveyard, what should be a beautiful image marred by a machete hanging from the belt of a child no older than 10, to having the students break down in tears in my arms, hearing their stories. These are powerful images, and they are just a handful of what I remember now. But I am often oddly detached. There is action, but I am not moved to action. A serenity exists for me in this. There is no worry. Every one of my actions I think mirror what I would do if there was a deep passion, but there is not, because there is no worry. I was reading James, and my lack is not a lack of faith nor a lack of action, but of passion.
On the plane ride over I was reading the Four Loves, by Lewis, and it talks about an approach love and a closeness love. As I refine what I am thinking I am wary of trying to replicate the love of God when the best way for me to love may look different at this time. But 'unconditional feelings' was the phrase that I am playing with now. Not needing the condition of passion to love on these children, their parents, ect. This seems dangerous now, but I am exploring it. I think that this most closely resembles the way God loves, but it may be all wrong for me.
I don't know what else to do, I pray about it, I want to submit, I think this is the way, but once again I am hesitant. Lord, sometimes I am so sure I understand, is that pride? Break these plans if they are not yours, I only what what you have for me, none of my own inventions. I can believe that this may be good and will purse it as if it were, but I am open to listening, being wrong. It's yours, I will be here trying to discern, but I will be listening, remind me to do that if I forget.

i almost posted something tonight but then i thought to myself, screw it.

yet another nose surgery today. hopefully ill breathe better after all the blood clots come out?

why are you doing this?

i dont care that it hurts i care that it doesnt make any sense. im not growing. im not learning. this isnt in any way beneficial.

can you tell me anything now? give me any clarity? any closure? or should i just wait more.

i can't find words god. love? hope? peace? i struggle to chain thoughts and ideas together. i feel but i cant describe. i think but i cant convey. i desire to know and understand, god. i cant find words.

do it. i cant stop you, i cant change your will. do it.

I love Josh.

Slightly different argument

Name: Chad
Scripture: Psalm 18; II Corinthians 9

OAP: I didn't put much into the scripture tonight, and in return I didn't get much out of it.

I have been reading a bit of Milton, so I'm going to steal his prayer as my own. I'm so Catholic.

And chiefly Thou O Spirit, that dost prefer

Before all Temples th' upright heart and pure,

Instruct me, for Thou know'st; Thou from the first
Wast present, and with mighty wings outspread

Dove-like satst brooding on the vast Abyss

And mad'st it pregnant: What in me is dark

Illumine, what is low raise and support;

That to the highth of this great Argument

I may assert th' Eternal Providence

And you need proof why?

Name: Chad
Scripture: II Samuel 21-22; II Corinthians 8

OAP: I'm doing this again to get back in the habit. I think overall the blog is good, private journal is lame and is an easy excuse either not do it or do it poorly.
I was reading the scripture, and as far as I can tell it had alot to say. I don't really care at all.

I've felt like crap for the past few days. I don't know what to do with it. I want it to mean something, I want to grow. I also want to feel better. I want to give it up to God, but I want to fully experience what he has for me here. I've always been really good at the, "giving it to God" and don't worry about it thing, but I know the value of sitting amongst my weeds. I could do either. I could not "do" anything. I want to be OK, I don't want to waste this experience.
I feel like complete surrender here is cheating. I don't want to cheat. I want to deal though. So I'm learning, or I will be. A big part of me doesn't care so much about the learning. The growing will be good, at a price. I just don't see why this is necessary. This isn't going to go away, I think I am changed now, I don't like that.
See, now I've learned something about myself. And its cheap and I don't care. I want more than to figure out my flaws. I want to love you more, that would be worth it. There it is again, now I am understanding the way this could help me more know you but I am still hurt. It's like a game, I am becoming a more complete human and you are using all facets of my life to do that, I don't want to play. Isn't there a better way. Ah great, my pridefullness again, thanks, way to kick me when I'm down.
I've given it to you, I gave this to you a long time ago, I continue to give it on a daily basis so why the constant checking that I wasn't lying, and why does it have to hurt so damn bad. If it is for your glory then I will be glad. So here it is, and I truly am glad. I also feel horrible and I still will be glad here. But you already knew that, I already knew that, what the hell are we proving here? You wanted me to feel, and still want you. Great, you win. Why was this necessary at all?

balls. (frustration^nth degree)

Name: josh
Scripture: Proverbs 16
"3Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed."

What about when you do, and they don't succeed? Did God want them to be epic failures? Did I not commit in the right way? Show me where I went wrong God I don't understand

"9In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps."

Why did you do it this way? This is NOT how i wanted it. God I'm not taking anything from this experience the way you made it turn out. Maybe ill look back later and see some sort of change or growth but right now it just sucks mucho butt.

i havent posted in ages and this probably isnt the best way to come back into it but i dont even care right now.

balls.

Grande halfcaf 2 pump mocha 1 pump white mocha 1% no foam marble mocha macchiato with whip

Name: Scott
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 16:10

"When Timothy comes, don't intimidate him. He is doing the Lord's work, just as I am."

OAP:

Timothy was a young'n. I don't think the Corinthians knew who he was. But they knew and loved Paul, and Paul knew, loved and endorsed Timothy. But there probably was temptation to have hostility towards Timothy because they didn't know him, and pretty much for that reason alone. 

Why are we so afraid of things we do not know? I have many times acted wrongly towards people I wasn't comfortable with, even though they were carrying a good message or whatever. And just because I don't know or may not agree with the ways that a person goes about doing God's work (like the C28 people) they are still doing what God wants them to do. 

Jesus, I am sorry for treating your Children with such disdain. For not giving them a fair change, for being overwhelmed with pride. Spirit, mold my attitude towards those people, especially when I go to college, so that I may build strong relationships and you would be seen. 

Also, give Day7 as a whole an open mind when the new pastor comes in, and be accepting of him. You've set them up well. You're the best.

If I had emotions, I would be embarrassed that people read this

Name: Chad
Scripture: II Samuel 4-5; Psalms 64-65; I Corinthians 13
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.

OAP: I got distracted with implications and then fell asleep typing this up last night, so I thought I would post it.
The partial shall fade away, yet love is eternal. So there is a fullness about love, a completeness or a rightness. As much as this is a description of God, in the vein of "God is love", or a definition used by christian kids to claim love, I read this more as a...I'm not sure, but not either of those.
This doesn't read like alot of scripture. It deals with the fleeting. Yet through it it goes into the eternal and truth. Maybe it is less conditional, not "love never ends" as in if it ends, then it wasn't love, but rather the goodness, the joy in truth, patience, kindness, those are the unbreakable. Then all the others, the fleeting, are breakable and will pass away. This may just be a "we win" passage. I don't feel like typing out all of the implications that are bouncing around in my head. It is a different understanding of the truth, or at least a new layer of it. For me.
I just read this over fairly quickly, there are alot of major gaps that I ignored because I understood and didn't need to explain. Maybe I will come back, it is worth fleshing out simply because the new layer of truth becomes more cemented and tangible for me. I may write about it eventually.

Is my unwillingness to delve deeper into this now going to hamper the finishing? I am sure I could talk myself into it, having a paper stored for Harville next year, that seems lie the epitome of nerdiness. Why wouldn't it be enough for me just to do? Oops. It's not like I would do it for that reason. Fine, I won't. It is enough, you are enough. OK, now that that is out of the way, back to the question. Ok, when?

I don't wanna

Name: Chad
Scripture: II Samuel 3; I Chron 12; I Corinthians 12
Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. 28 And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, helping, administrating, and various kinds of tongues. 29 Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? 30 Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? 31 But earnestly desire the higher gifts.

OAP: So I have to teach. Apparently I need an intro, something to bring in the audience and give them something to remember. I am also not supposed to tell them that I don't want to do an intro at all. I mostly ignore visuals, or at least any less than outstanding intro. The best teaching I have heard was given to a captive audience, with the teacher having no reservations about the interest of students, but rather about the quality of material. Not that an intro weakens the material in anyway, I just find it unnecessary. Mostly because I can't do one, at least not a real one in all seriousness, I think it is ridiculous. I know they are helpful to highschool students and necessary, but personally I don't like them, nor do I relate to them.

God, humble me in what I cannot do. Grow me in my strengths and let me be content in what you have for me and not covet any other types of ability. If parts or the whole needs to fail then so be it, for your greater glory.

Proof read for spelling errors

Name: Chad
Scripture: 2 Cr 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.The old has passed away; behold, the new has come

OAP: "Death to self, your will not mine, let me not get in the way of your Lord, don't let me play any part of this". These are prayers that I do a lot. The past few months I have been extremely cynical about anything that I want. Anything that I suspect comes from me I assume must be bad, and I don't want any part of it. I enjoy friends, therefore I will give them up for you. And I know that there are good things, but I can always see the possibility of idolatry. Adam told me something a few weeks back, I think it was an afterthought as I was leaving church, but it was significant. God made me a new heart, and it is good.
It was God's will and my will, I wanted my will destroyed. But although human, I am made in the image of God, reborn in the spirit. In short, I have good in me. I have God. This was interesting to grapple with, it meant a lot. I am wary of my thoughts, but I don't fear them, I may even embrace a few.

God, I want your will. I don't trust that I know it very well yet, but I am learning to listen in new ways. By far the newest is a certain amount of trust in the mind you gave me, the heart you crafted, the spirit you are refining.
Hallelujah

Digging

I have had a nice treat over the past five days. My English final requires me to be able to look at a random piece of poetry and deduce which of the poets we read this semester wrote it, and why. Also I have to be able to take a line and know which work it came from. So I spent the last five days surrounded by poetry. Not to mention speed reading POTAAAYM again.

In my busiest time I am required to read over the great works of language, to get to know them intamently. It is good. It is very good.

God, apparently pastels haven't been my medium for quite some time. I want to hear and speak with you better because of this. Thank you for letting me.

i am but one small instrument

p9bijmesa932hnujdnbpofesaasodnmofkgopsfcnvoiadeyaejma45ijedtji5aiaope654rtwwajwbn. balls.

im done trying God, its all you now.

huh.

Name: josh

i wasted this day as beautiful as it was. and i cant think of anything to say.

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." Romans 8:26-28

god what am i doing? i have no idea how to talk to you right now.

David pulls a Ferris

Name: Chad
Scripture: I Sam 19; Psalm 59; I Corinthians 2:6-16

And Michal took an image and laid it in the bed, put a cover of goats’ hair for his head, and covered it with clothes. 14 So when Saul sent messengers to take David, she said, “He is sick.”

OAP: I have been journaling incessantly, and not keeping up with the Old Testament soap at all, so I am a little out of context. Saul wanting David killed for no reason, family betrail and David's attempt to equal Ferris Beuller, maybe if he had the hand rigged up to the door it would have worked better. I remember Saul being a good guy, here he swears an oath and then attempts to skewer David.

God, let this discipline continue to become a habit. I demoted it in favor of things I deem more important, and things you have shown to be good, but I recognize the stability in this time. I don't know if it should be separate from my regular prayer time, although I am sure it would overlap. Guide me in that, maybe on a day by day basis or however you see fit. I like the constant.

i guess this is better than surgery

Name: Josh

i did the soap tonight in my notebook but im too lazy to type it out.
alternatively, here's part of my favorite hymn (been in my head all day) :

Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great father, i Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and i with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle shield, sword for the fight
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight
Thou my soul’s shelter, Thou my high tower;
Raise Thou me heavenward, O power of my power.

Well this is new...

Don't waste this

Me, Sarcastic?

Name: Chad
Scripture: Zechariah 7:9-12

Thus says the Lord of hosts: Render true judgment, and show kindness and compassion toward each other.Do not oppress the widow or the orphan, the alien or the poor; do not plot evil against one another in your hearts. But they refused to listen; they stubbornly turned their backs and stopped their ears so as not to hear. And they made their hearts diamond-hard so as not to hear the teaching and the message that the Lord of hosts had sent by his spirit through the former prophets.

OAP: I wrote a scathing sarcastic paper on this passage tonight. It was mostly self mockery and condemnation.


God, akdfsj. Why don't I pray about this, my very lifestyle is going against it yet my mind and prayer time are almost completely consumed by something that in no way will help me better love these oppressed people. Atleast I think so. I want to follow your will, break whatever is not it.

"Did I do well?" - Izzard

Name: Chad
Scripture: I Samuel 6-8; Galatians 1

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

OAP: The soap I wrote last night makes me sound like an elitist prick. I don't care. It was what I needed to think about and the way I did it was the best way for me. These aren't supposed to make sense to you. I know that by addressing the reader I am seemingly contradicting what I am saying, but I need to put it down in text. I wrote something last night and then I edited it. I was talking about modernism and post modernism and to me it made sense, but I thought that it sounded like I was throwing around terms for no constructive reason other than to prove I can distinguish between my modern and p modern thoughts. So I edited it to please you. So you would understand better what I meant.

God, I don't always act as if your approval is all that I want. It wasn't a big thing, but it was an act solely to allow them to understand, at the expense of that was what I was really trying to understand through those terms. I am sorry. Thankyou for making me aware of it. I want to serve you.

The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place

Name: Scott
Scripture: Galatians 1:10

"Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant."

OAP:

Paul used to persecute. After his transformation, people didn't believe he was different, and were very hostile towards him. If anyone would need the "approval of people", it would be him.

Sometimes I only want to further my knowledge of the Bible and of the character of God so that I can impress other people with that knowledge. 

Jesus, I only need to please you. Move my eyes from this world to you.

A tattered coat upon a stick

Name: Chad
Scripture: Yes

OAP: I have started journaling. It is never something that I have bothered to do before because I didn't need to clarify my thoughts into words, they made sense to me and that was all that mattered. It is nice. I do a stream of conciousness style journal which allows for me to organize my mind and finish with a clear idea yet it is the process that is most interesting/revealing.

Here is the product: I am going to break. It is good.

My soul will clap its hand's and sing, and louder sing
For every tatter in its mortal dress

Hmmm...

Name: Josh
Scripture: Micah 7
"18Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy."

OAP: Why? I don't understand why you forgive me. I haven't done anything deserving of it. But you say that you always forgive. There isn't any physical proof i can see that shows me you have forgiven me when i ask you, but it says you always delight to show mercy. So ill take comfort in that. But the thing that bothers me the most is that i can't promise it won't happen again. It undoubtedly will. I know you promise redemption every single time i repent, but god i just don't get it. Why? Why me? You're crazy.

Prayer: I can't understand you, and i don't get it. But i think that's ok.

Journey of the Magi

Name: Chad
Scripture:
36And he spake also a parable unto them; No man putteth a piece of a new garment upon an old; if otherwise, then both the new maketh a rent, and the piece that was taken out of the new agreeth not with the old.
37And no man putteth new wine into old bottles; else the new wine will burst the bottles, and be spilled, and the bottles shall perish.
38But new wine must be put into new bottles; and both are preserved.
39No man also having drunk old wine straightway desireth new: for he saith, The old is better.

OAP: I should really post the soaps verses on the blog... Maybe tomorrow.
T.S. Elliot mentions some old wine skins, they have been left on the ground empty. Exactly where they should be. During class when we were talking about it I couldn't remember the context for the old wine skins, something about bursting. Old wine skins are worse than useless, they not only can't hold anything, if they were to attempt to they would only ruin the new wine.

God, I don't know why I would try to come back to the old container. But I have a certain nostalgia for it, let me be comfortable with it cast to the ground, abandoned with no future use.

Stupid British Snack Food!

Yay private journal!

Super-hero, or super-villain?

Name: Scott

Scripture: Judges

I though Samson was supposed to be like a good person or whatever? But he is murdering people and sleeping with prostitutes? What the heck?

Jawbone of Donkey > StarRod > Fan

Name: Chad
Scripture: Judges 15-17; Mark 13:32-14:11
He found a fresh jawbone of a donkey, so he reached out and took it and killed a thousand men with it[...]Then he became very thirsty[...]It came about when she pressed him daily with her words and urged him, that his soul was annoyed to death.

OAP: I started to write commentary about Mark, then I decided to read Judges. I enjoyed it much more. I needed this lightheartedness.

God, you can be ridiculous, I love it.

And then the Australians were like...

Name: Chad
Scripture: Judges 12-14; Mark 13:12-31

And if the Lord had not cut short the days, no human being would be saved. But for the sake of the elect, whom he chose, he shortened the days.

OAP: "On a long enough time line the survival rate for everyone is zero"-Fight Club
Apparently this works for spirituality too.
This whole chapter sucks. I already wrote in Matthew about the passing away of the generation and the implications there. But that is not what I care about, Mark 13:20 is the important one.
"There was a day when I died", nope. Just enough of you hung on so that it would come back up eventually.
I don't like this at all. We lose. That is the reading I am getting. If anyone else has any other way to see this, please share. I checked the translations and word choice. We don't win, we simply stall until we die. That's not even what bothers me, what bothers me is that eventually we would turn away again, maybe this is collectively and eventually no new people would be saved, but I simply assumed God was more relevant than that. But that is best case scenario, worst case is that it is individual. The effect is that I, Chad Houston, can't totally surrender. I can't die to myself individually on a daily basis forever. Possibly I may be able to do it for 60 years until I die, but if I simply were to keep going, on an infinite timeline there would be a point that I stop. That I stop loving God and return to loving myself. So would Benedict or Willard or Lewis. What does that say about the Kingdom, that even those who have seen it would eventually go back. What does that say about the Light?

Why tonight? What does this have to do with anything? Why are you telling me this now? It doesn't seem to be in any way constructive. Now I trust you, I would hopefully forever, but apparently not. If I would decide not to follow you eventually what does that say about us? I am here now, and have no plans on leaving, but honestly wtf?

Gulp.

Name: josh
Scripture: Mark 13:12-31

"21At that time if anyone says to you, 'Look, here is the Christ!' or, 'Look, there he is!' do not believe it. 22For false Christs and false prophets will appear and perform signs and miracles to deceive the elect—if that were possible. 23So be on your guard; I have told you everything ahead of time."

OAP: Does this scare anyone else? Cause it scares the crap out of me. I don't have much time to write or explain cause im supposed to be analyzing some opera piece but yeah im afraid of falling into this sort of trap.

Prayer: God, i am gullible. Don't let me be deceived when the time comes

gwemah air

Name: Chad
Scripture: Judges 10-11; Mark 12:35-13:11
34Then Jephthah came to his home at(AI) Mizpah. And behold, his daughter came out to meet him(AJ) with tambourines and with dances. She was his only child; besides her he had neither son nor daughter. 35And as soon as he saw her, he tore his clothes and said, "Alas, my daughter! You have brought me very low, and you have become the cause of great trouble to me. For I have opened my mouth to the LORD,(AK) and I cannot take back my vow." 36And she said to him, "My father, you have opened your mouth to the LORD; do to me according to what has gone out of your mouth, now that the LORD has avenged you on your enemies, on the Ammonites." 37So she said to her father, "Let this thing be done for me: leave me alone two months, that I may go up and down on the mountains and weep for my virginity, I and my companions." 38So he said, "Go." Then he sent her away for two months, and she departed, she and her companions, and wept for her virginity on the mountains. 39And at the end of two months, she returned to her father,(AL) who did with her according to his vow that he had made. She had never known a man, and it became a custom in Israel 40that the daughters of Israel went year by year to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite four days in the year.

OAP: Human sacrifice, good times.
I glazed over the rest of Judges, if I even read it, but this one sticks out a bit. I can twist this and derive a few different things, make it applicable to my day to day life. People always try to twist this, I don't think I would "interpret" it to make it more acceptable, but rather just more relevant. Tonight I won't. I am going to accept this at face value. No unfolding.

God, I know people are going to read this. I don't want that to impact this prayer. It is funny though, at least a little bit. It is like the game Mike and I played, I think we are winning. This is interesting, but probably not terribly helpful to the guys, or interesting to them for that matter. I don't care.

Yay showers

Name: Chad
Scripture: Mark 12:13-34 13
And they sent to him some of(B) the Pharisees and some of(C) the Herodians, to trap him in his talk. 14And they came and said to him, "Teacher,(D) we know that you are true and do not care about anyone’s opinion. For(E) you are not swayed by appearances,[a] but truly teach(F) the way of God.
OAP: God, is this the way you want me to be like you here? I want to learn your way, but I know this isn't the only way. Show me your way. That is the one I want.

Backyard Baseball

Name: Scott
Scripture:Mark 11:24-25

"24 I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you've received it, it is yours. 25 But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too."

OAP:

The first half of this passage is good. Believe what you pray about. Hard, yes. At least lately I have been having trouble believing that God will answer my prayers. Which makes it a lot harder to pray.

Second half-ouch. Shot to my pride. We have to forgive others to be forgiven ourselves? It seems like it shouldn't be that hard. But it is! So how do I know if that I am actually being forgiven when I pray, because I could still be holding a grudge against someone that I am not thinking about.

God, I don't want to forgive others. I want to keep my grudges. I want my pride in tact. Kill it. Hit me upside the head, and sop up the toxic fluids. 

To Pat

Our father, who art in heaven
hallowed be thy name
thy kingdom come
thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven
give us this day our daily bread
and forgives us our trespasses
as we forgive those that trespass against us
lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil.

We prayed this at a liturgy today, the school, holding hands together. It wasn't the first time, but I especially enjoyed it today.
I know all the proper responses now, after three years, there was a unity in it.

Enter the Child

Name: Scott
Scripture: Mark 10:15 

"I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it."

OAP:

I feel like this verse gives me permission to be silly. To run around and scrape my knees and jump over fences and pretend to be superheroes. To take things at face value, to take the fact that I am loved and just bask in it. To sit at the feet of the king and marvel. Sit and stare. A hug, maybe. 

Jesus, help me to enjoy the simple things. Thank you for sky and trees and video games and gum and flowers and music and bubbles and good smells. 

Ritz + PB + J = Party in my tummy!

Name: Josh
Scripture: Proverbs 16
"24Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

OAP: So my nose has been totally screwed up my whole life. I have this thing called a deviated septum that makes me able to only breathe out of one side of my nose, it switches between left and right nostrils every couple hours. Breaking it twice in sports didn't help. I've had 2 surgeries on it so far, one to fix a bad break and one to try and straighten my septum in hopes of fixing my ability to breathe. Unfortunately the second one, which i had done in december, was an epic fail and my breathing was never corrected. So right now im about to drive down to a hospital in gilroy for about the umpteenth time to get more xrays, and possibly schedule further surgery...Woohoo. Other people ive talked to with this problem have never gotten better after years of surgery and thousands of dollars and other crap so ive been really bitter about it. And stress from math finals and ap tests and football and life in general has been building up too, ive just been pretty grumpy lately. But like the proverb says, one person can come in and just change all that and heal the soul with a few caring words and empathy and compassion. And then it doesn't seem all that bad. I love it.

Prayer: Thank you God. Thank you so much

Truth: Understanding versus Knowing

Name: Chad
Scripture: Joshua 23-24; Mark 9:38-10:12
42 “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, [7] it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea. 43 And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than with two hands to go to hell, [8] to the unquenchable fire. [9] 45 And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life lame than with two feet to be thrown into hell. 47 And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell, 48 ‘where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched.’ 49 For everyone will be salted with fire. [10] 50 Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another

OAP: This soap ends right before one of my favorite passages of scripture, Mark 10:15. Oh well, tomorrow night.
I am excited, today I crippled my will. I have been dealing with a small amount of not apathy. Constant and repetitive prayer, ala a month of seclusion, has been invaluable in accepting this caring yet putting it second, firmly behind God. I don't think I would have been able to do that before. My non apathy selfishness took a shot, but it was intentional. I became lame, in multiple meanings of the word, and am joyful in it. For the first time I embraced this "not apathy" in a way that didn't continue the rebellion, even though my personal will took a hit. Honestly, I am ecstatic, this means that passion won't always separate me from God, although I am still extremely wary. I thrive in apathy, it makes everything easier, I find it extremely easy to be "godly" when I don't care, now I get to care while I first serve the kingdom. I have been worried, as in my last post, that passion can always lead to sin. So therefore I didn't want passion, I wanted to stay in my apathy. I didn't want to care and became extremely scared when I did. By no means am I comfortable here, right now it kinda sucks. But through massive amounts of prayer God showed me when I needed to cut my hand off because it might be harmful, or atleast maim it a little bit, and I did, and it hurt. I don't mind at all, I am joyous, it is truly better to love God first and I experienced that today, above all else. I know that fully, atleast for tonight I know, but forgetfulness is ingrained in me.

God, take me back here eventually. I will forget how much better your kingdom is than mine no matter how much I try to imitate yours. It is, I can read that as many times as I want to in your word but it never strikes as true as I have discovered it today. I trust you.

This post will make very little sense to anyone

Name: Chad
Scripture: A whole mess of them
OAP: Today I had one of those prayer time when I heard clear words and felt stupid and as though I was talking to myself. What should I read? James. What chapter? 3. Way to go Chad, you can name a book of the bible and pull out a random number, does James even have three chapters? Turns out this is the most convicting chapter in the bible for me...But I don't want to work with that tonight. Tonight I want to go on a Dr. Dalton induced bible study with justice. Here are some highlights. I find the one concerning sandals most interesting, James 5 is up there too.

Deuteronomy 30:19-20 “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today that
I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life so that you
and your descendants may live, loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and
holding fast to him; for that means life to you and length of days…”

Psalm 9:7-9 “But the Lord sits enthroned forever; he has established his throne
for judgment. He judges the world with righteousness; he judges people with
equity. The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of
trouble.”

Isaiah 10:1-2 “Woe to those who enact unjust statutes and who write oppressive
decrees, depriving the needy of judgment and robbing my people’s poor of their
rights, making widows their plunder, and orphans their prey!”

Jeremiah 22:13-17 “Woe to him who builds his house by unrighteousness, and
his upper rooms by injustice; who makes his neighbors work for nothing, and
does not give them their wages; who says, ‘I will build myself a spacious house
with large upper rooms’, and who cuts out windows for it, paneling it with cedar,
and painting it vermilion. Are you a king because you compete in cedar? Did not
your father eat and drink and do justice and righteousness? Then it was well with
him. He judged the cause of the poor and needy; then it was well. Is not this to
know me? says the Lord. But your eyes and heart are only on your dishonest gain,
for shedding innocent blood, and for practicing oppression and violence.”

Ezekiel 22:23-31 “The word of the Lord came to me…You are a land that is not
cleansed, not rained upon in the day of indignation. Its princes within it are like a
roaring lion tearing the prey; they have devoured human lives; they have taken
treasure and precious things; they have made many widows within it. Its priests
have done violence to my teaching and have profaned my holy things; they have
made no distinction between the holy and the common, neither have they taught
the difference between the unclean and the clean, and they have disregarded my
Sabbaths, so that I am profaned among them. Its officials within it are like wolves
tearing the prey, shedding blood, destroying lives to get dishonest gain. Its
prophets have smeared whitewash on their behalf, seeing false visions and
divining lies for them, saying, ‘Thus says the Lord God’, when the Lord has not
spoken. The people of the land have practiced extortion and committed robbery;
they have oppressed the poor and needy, and have extorted from the alien without
redress. And I sought for anyone among them who would repair the wall and
stand in the breach before me on behalf of the land, so that I would not destroy it;
but I found no one. Therefore I have poured out my indignation upon them; I have
consumed them with the fire of my wrath; I have returned their conduct upon their
heads, says the Lord God.”

Amos 2:6-7 “Thus says the Lord: For three transgressions of Israel, and for four,
I will not revoke the punishment; because they sell the righteous for silver, and
the needy for a pair of sandals—they who trample the head of the poor into the
dust of the earth, and push the afflicted out of the way…”

Amos 5:21-24 “I hate, I despise your festivals, and I take no delight in your
solemn assemblies. Even though you offer me your burnt-offerings and grain offerings,
I will not accept them; and the offerings of well-being of your fatted
animals I will not look upon. Take away from me the noise of your songs; I will
not listen to the melody of your harps. But let justice roll down like waters, and
righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.”

Micah 6:8 “…and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love
kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”

James 5:1-4 “Come now, you rich people, weep and wail for the miseries that are
coming to you. Your riches have rotted, and your clothes are moth-eaten. You
gold and silver have rusted, and their rust will be evidence against you, and it will
eat up your flesh like fire. You have laid up treasure for the last days. Listen! The
wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, cry
out, and the cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord of hosts. You
have lived on the earth in luxury and pleasure…”


Colossians 3:12-14 “As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves
with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one
another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as
the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves
with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

Romans 14:17 “For the kingdom of God is…righteousness and peace and joy in
the Holy Spirit.”

Galatians 5:22 “…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

Galatians 3:28 “…for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 2:5-11 “Let the same mind by in you that was in Christ Jesus, who
though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something
to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in
human likeness. And being found in human form, he humbled himself and
became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross. Therefore God also
highly exalted him and gave him the name that is above every name, so that at the
name of Jesus, every knee should bend, in heaven and on earth and under the
earth, and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of
God the Father.”


God, I do this as homework, reading your Word as if it were Zinn, skimming for information. I don't want intimacy tonight with you. Somehow I doubt that this is going to be the end of it tonight. I come to you reluctantly, even bitterly. Everything you have given me and done for me today/ever has been ridiculously amazing. I know that. Yet one thing can frustrate me to the point of ignoring that. I don't remember getting moody like this ever before. I think that it is the break in apathy. I know you warned me, hard, about this and yet I continued my constant petition. God, I will rejoice in this now. I am angry because I care. Now I care. At alot of levels this really sucks, I am not as effective right now, I probably won't be. I am giving up an ability to deal with anything so that I can understand passion at least a little bit. I think I am more breakable here, more vulnerable, more able to mess up. More human. Crap. Have I been trying to fix my own humanity? I don't think so, I have been living as you have allowed me. But I take pride in the apathy, it made me "better". What now? Don't waste this experience, It shall be interesting if nothing else. I don't want to hurt anyone, I used to be very good at that, now I am not so sure. Is it selfishness, is it passion? Is hurting people the result of passion? How cynical is that. This is new for me and I am scared. I want you, that is the goal. But as we are getting there in this experience, I am scared.

The Bob Loblaw Law Blog

Name: Scott
Scripture:Mark 9:24

"The father instantly cried out, 'I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!'"

OAP:

I do not trust you. I know your will is for my good, but I cannot see it. I am still worried. Scared. Nervous. Anxious. I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief.

Gah

Name: Chad
This was composed yesterday off line. Josh's house is mean and requires a password to get online.
I have been changed, that much is obvious to me. I am much more intentional with every one of my relationships, I don't understand them as mine any longer, but rather as an extension of God's. And that changes things alot. But for the first time ever I am confused about relationships. I have never had to be before, because they were for my benefit. I would be with people because they were a combination of being fun or interesting or attractive or hilarious or otherwise beneficial to me. This included lots of churchy things aswell, simply because part of what I enjoy is serving and doing good. Now I am torn. Almost all of my relationships translated over more or less smoothly. God was working through my faults and selfishness before and is continuing now that my intentions are more intentional. Almost all my relationships translated smoothly, but not all. I am wary, and I am confused.
I have been doing a lot of writing about broken allegory lately, each time it seems like man attempts to assume the place of God and the allegory betrays that. I don’t want to try take that place. I fear I may be trying to. It seems so obvious, there is brokenness and I hate it, I want to help, I pray, contemplate, consider. And it fits. I could do good, or atleast try earnestly with reasonable expectations. I want to shout out and everything seems to fit so perfectly. But it could be me being selfish, and that scares the hell out of me. If I am being selfish then I think I could do some serious damage, and as far as I can understand through all the means available to me I don’t think that this is my will (rather than God’s). But the inherent nature could very well blind me and is almost intrinsically linked with selfishness.

God, don’t let me mess up. I give you full reign to break me down if any of this is in opposition to any of your will. My first priority is the execution of your will. Don’t let me stand in the way. I would be so pissed if anyone else messed up in a way that I very well could. Please dear God don’t let me. I am listening.

Who doesn't love music?

Name: Andrew
Scripture: Psalm 47:6 (6 Sing praises to God, sing praises; sing praises to our King, sing praises.)
OAP:The word praise is mentioned a lot throughout this one verse. I realize that David was very passionate about his Psalms. This one has the theme praise, these include prayer, builing up christian relationships and Worship. Worship seems important, because we get to use music to connect ourselves to God. I once heard that Music is the link from Heaven and Earth. music is so special, I am so glad we have it.
To me I thank God that he gives me motivation to sing everyday in room on my kaeroke machine. I usually sing praises to God because it help the holy spirit to flow around my body. I love music because I can express my self in a loud way to God. Prayer is like silent praise, but Music/ Worship is seems so much more fun because.... It is too complex to explain right now, it is just a feeling.
God please help me to sing louder and louder at church.... thanks for my voice... I wish that I had more time to.. If I did, then I would join the worship group... however I also wish I could get a few singing lessons, because I do need to tweak my voice a bit LoL. See ya later guys...

Man-tub Friday

Name:Scott
Scripture: Mark 8:11-12

"11 The Pharisees came and began to question Jesus. To test him, they asked him for a sign from heaven. 12 He sighed deeply and said, 'Why does this generation ask for a miraculous sign? I tell you the truth, no sign will be given to it.'"

OAP:

I feel like the Pharisees lately. I have been asking God where I should go to school, what should I do with this, show me how to do that, etc. I am having a hard time trusting that He is working His plans. 

God, help me to trust you and know that your plans are for good and not evil.

*Insert any random angry noise here*

I came about 30 seconds away from posting a soap tonight. It was very deep and thoughtful and earnest. It was also selfish and manipulative. Kit said that he wondered if I was truly as good at manipulation as I would like to believe. Tonight I can answer that with a resounding yes.

I am sorry. I was going against exactly what I wanted to prevent. I was honest, but I was selfish. I want your will and nothing else. None of it mixed with mine.

There are dozens of us! Dozens!

Name:Scott
Scripture:Psalm 46

"1 God is our refuge and strength,

always ready to help in times 

of trouble.

2 So we will not fear when earthquakes come 

and the mountains crumble into

the sea.

3 Let the oceans roar and foam.

Let the mountains tremble as the

waters surge!"

OAP:

Don't worry. He is with you. He'll take care of it. 

Life happens. Roll with it. I am here. Trust me. Take my hand. Look. Isn't everything okay? I told you so. Still don't see? Check this out. What now? Bring on the pain. I am better than asprin. 

God, I still don't trust you. I am scared. I am afraid. I am nervous. Help me to let go. I want to come undone. You will personally go ahead of me; you will neither fail nor abandon me. Thank you. 

Name: Andrew Burriss
Scripture: Mark 7:1-23 (20He went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' 21For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, 22greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. 23All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.' ")
OAP:I really like this passage because it is not about what goes so much as what come out. This passage is talking about self-controll. We may hear something evil, but we have the choice to not say that evil to others. I wonder how people like myself can become better at self-control, and choose what things to say or what actions to use.
I can really apply this to my life. I always hear my or see evil everywhere, to reduce this I should hang out with some more christians.... anyways, I often loose my self control and choose to do evil.

God... Help me to choose the right way. I want to build up my self control so that I will make the right choices in the future when evil comes arouind the corner. Thanks for our connection group. I pray that all of us including me will rmember how important it is for us to meet with you and do our soaps daily. Thanks for this nice day, bless me at school tommorrow, and work right after school (as a lifeguard) I cannot stay quite, and I cannot stop saying thank you. Amen! Amen! Amen!

Three Amens is a charm... Peace out!

Compredolo

Name: Andrew Burriss
Scripture: Psalm 48: 14 For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.
OAP:I see God being like a shepard to the world. He controls us and herds us in the right directions, so that we will be on the right path and not the wrong path.
I glad I am doing my soap onlne again. I turned inot a black sheep and strayed from the herd when lots of stress from work came into my life. I am so glad that I found this verse today because it proves to me that God will guide me to the end. SO.... Even if it means staying up late, waking up early or not playing any video games in a day, I should try to find some time by giving up either sleep or free time so that I can reflect my thoughts with you and with God on this Online soap activity.
Dear God, Help me to remember this day, because it is so important. This day has to do with accountability and My habits. I trust that you will give me time to talk to you in my already busy days in the future. If ijust stay a white sheep and don't wander or try to take an easy path than I should be Ok. Oh by the way, I should get an accountability partner to help me in this area. Thanks Chad, you helped change connection groups and make it more fun and a better place. You have givien our group peace.

Speaking of peace... I'm out... PEACE!

No comprendo

Name: Chad
Scripture: Joshua 11-12; Psalm 48; Mark 6:30-56

Immediately he made his disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. 46 And after he had taken leave of them, he went up on the mountain to pray. 47 And when evening came, the boat was out on the sea, and he was alone on the land. 48 And he saw that they were making headway painfully, for the wind was against them. And about the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. He meant to pass by them, 49 but when they saw him walking on the sea they thought it was a ghost, and cried out, 50 for they all saw him and were terrified. But immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” 51 And he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. And they were utterly astounded, 52 for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.

OAP: I seem to be the only one that thinks this is not outstanding. God can walk on water, I assumed it would come with the whole all powerful thing.
"And about the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. He meant to pass by them."
This however I do thing is outstanding, he meant to pass them by.
Really? Why? What could possibly make Jesus think that he could just walk by on the water and no one would give him a second glance. More than that, what possible means was he going to achieve by walking across the lake if they didn't see him? It makes no sense. The whole point seems to be so that we can refer back to Jesus walking on water, or maybe just to harden their hearts. But neither of these would have happened if he had done what he, Jesus, God, had meant to do. They were off alone in a boat in the middle of a lake, how did they get in the way of what God had meant to do? Isn't it perfectly reasonable to be terrified, which is the only reason I can think of that they diverted God's plan.
I haven't wrapped my head around this and I don't know what it means, but it seems worth understanding. I am going to tag this and maybe come back sometime later (although I doubt it, the thought is still nice)
Matt Henry says this " He would have passed by them, that is, he set his face and steered his course, as if he would have gone further, and took no notice of them; this he did, to awaken them to call to him. Note, Providence, when it is acting designedly and directly for the succour of God’s people, yet sometimes seems as if it were giving them the go-by, and regarded not their case. They thought that he would, but we may be sure that he would not, have passed by them. "
Matt Henry sounds as if he is scrambling.
The Greek says Jesus resolved or wished. This doesn't change anything for me, it is the same idea.

God, I have no idea how to work with this. Word study seems useless. Commentary seems useless. My thoughts seem useless. I am going to be content here. If you don't want me to understand then so be it. But I want to, because it doesn't fit. If it is what you want for me then please give me clarity. I don't like not understanding something that is so important

Maybe The Message could have spun it

Name: Chad
Scripture: Joshua 9-10; Mark 6:1-29

He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their lack of faith.

And he could there do no mighty work, save that he laid his hands upon a few sick folk, and healed

And because of their unbelief, he couldn't do any mighty miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them.

et non poterat ibi virtutem ullam facere nisi paucos infirmos inpositis manibus curavit


OAP: Even the Greek makes it pretty clear, no translation gives any alternative. Jesus was not able. As in he did not have the power. As in he couldn't. Not able. God, not able.

Last night I completely focused on how God was so powerful that the demons begged him to not throw down and rather just send them into swine. How because of this, and our ability to act in the name and with the authority of Jesus, we win. But God was not able.

It is qualified, but that doesn't change the fact, non poterat. God works with us and through us. I try to be a perfect vessel yet because of my lack of trust, "small faith", belief that I could do it better than God, or just that God isn't going to do what I want. I can make God not able. I can stand in his way and impede the kingdom.

God, your will not mine. Your plan not mine. Your voice not mine. I am expendable. Thank you for letting me sometimes do your will. I want more of that, but honestly, it doesn't matter what I want. Its all for you. Break me.

We Win

Name: Chad
Scripture:

When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. 7He shouted at the top of his voice, "What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? Swear to God that you won't torture me!" 8For Jesus had said to him, "Come out of this man, you evil spirit!"
9Then Jesus asked him, "What is your name?"
"My name is Legion," he replied, "for we are many." 10And he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.
11A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. 12The demons begged Jesus, "Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them." 13He gave them permission, and the evil spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned.
14Those tending the pigs ran off and reported this in the town and countryside, and the people went out to see what had happened. 15When they came to Jesus, they saw the man who had been possessed by the legion of demons, sitting there, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid. 16Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the demon-possessed man—and told about the pigs as well. 17Then the people began to plead with Jesus to leave their region.

OAP: David Crowder seems appropriate

We’re gonna shout loud, loud
Until the walls come down
Shout loud, loud until the walls come down
Loud, until the walls come down
Cause we’ve already won and you don’t have a chance
Yeah we’ve already won and no, you don’t have a chance
Yeah it’s already done and you don’t have a chance
Because we’ve already won
We have already won
We’re gonna should loud, loud Until the final sound
Shout loud, loud, until the final sound
Loud until the final sound
This is for glory, His glory
We have already won!

(cue drumming on my laptop for five minutes)

It's over. Sin has lost its power, death has lost its sting. (more drumming).

They know it, we know it.

I will not be silent.

Because i have nothing better to do

Name: Josh
Scripture: Job 28

12"But where can wisdom be found? Where does understanding dwell? 13Man does not comprehend its worth; it cannot be found in the land of the living."
…

20"Where then does wisdom come from? Where does understanding dwell? 21It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air."

OAP: I don't get it. The schoolwork i'm supposed to be doing right now is mind bottling, relationships that used to come effortlessly are becoming confusing, I don't know what to do about college, careers, sports, love, anything... I've really been trying lately to hear from God, I want to know his will and plan for my life and follow it above all else. So i read and think and wait and listen and search and ask and wait and wait but keep coming up with little to nothing. And if i do "hear" any answers or guidance i can't tell if it's just my subconscious speaking or really from God. All discernment is concealed from me, all wisdom hidden away beyond comprehension. All i want is to please Him with my life and my decisions, but everything is fogged up and jumbled. I don't even know...

Prayer: God?

As I was studying to be pope....

Name: Chad
Scripture: Joshua 1-3; Mark 4:10-34

10When he was alone, the Twelve and the others around him asked him about the parables. 11He told them, "The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables 12so that," 'they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!'[a]"
13Then Jesus said to them, "Don't you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? 14The farmer sows the word. 15Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. 16Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 18Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; 19but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. 20Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—thirty, sixty or even a hundred times what was sown."


OAP: I used this passage in a presentation last week. Last week I felt like I didn't really do soap, I just kinda read the bible and then complained about how tired I was. So I came into tonight thinking, "I am not going to talk about school". Well too bad, this is the reason that I love poetry and writing and English.
But to those on the outside everything is said in parables
Big red arrow pointed at that passage.
I love it.
I was reading some transcripts of conversations that Benedict XVI was having among children, the most striking fact was the constant use of parables, and then understanding on the part of the children. We are children, I can't understand through basic words what God is revealing to me. I can't understand if he just lays it all out, I am a child. But when I wrestle with it, when I work with it, it becomes not sentences and thoughts but it adds to my ideas, my self, and how I view anything.

Side note: also a strong passage suggesting a figurative interpretation of scripture


I love it, I love you.

10 more hours

Name: Chad
Scripture: Deut 33-34; Psalm 50; Mark 3:20-4:9

You give your mouth free rein for evil; you harness your tongue to deceit.
....
Those who offer praise as a sacrifice honor me; to the obedient I will show the salvation of God."

OAP: This past week, physically and mentally, has been the hardest I have experienced. I fully expect to slip into a coma like sleep state within the next 24 hours. I have decided what I want to do with my life. This, preferably with more sleep. I find God in poetry, in prose, in analysis and explication. I am happy here. I have been cranky for a while, but after I got a solid five hours of sleep last night (which was absolutely amazing) I can look at the time more clearly and know how content I am in it. How my thoughts and ideas blend into prayer and how God is worshiped just because it is natural.

Deuteronomy 31:8

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you n or abandon you.

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.

Some will seek forgiveness, others escape

Name: Scott
Scripture: Deuteronomy 29-30, Mark 2: 1-22

OAP:

Deuteronomy was pretty heavy. "But to this day the Lord has not given you minds that understand, nor eyes that see, nor ears that hear! For forty years I led you through the wilderness, yet your clothes and sandals did not wear out. You ate no bread and drank you wine or other alcoholic drink, but he gave you food so you would know that he is the Lord your God." 

I have gone through the whole of life up until this point with closed eyes and plugged ears and a wandering mind. I haven't been attentive to the grace and pity that is extended to me. I am taken care of, so that I will know that he is the Lord my God? But do I really know that? Sure, I know it, but what in my life can I point to saying, "That's why he's my God"?

"Therefore, obey the terms of this covenant so that you will prosper in everything you do."

I have been set up for a life of success. God has given me the resources, the talents, the mind, the people, the opportunities to make my life plentiful and meaningful. All I have to do is continue to seek the Kingdom and discover God. But I get so frustrated (angry) because I don't know how to do that! "Seek the Kingdom of God". Easier said than done. 

"You remember how we lived in the land of Egypt and how we traveled through the lands of enemy nations as we left . . . I am making this covenant with you so that no one among you-- no man, woman, clan, or tribe-- will turn away from the Lord our God to worship these gods of other nations, and so that no root among you bears bitter and poisonous fruit."

Remember all those times when you messed up? Remember those times where I showed you things that made you cringe? Remember when you saw how rotten this world, these people, can be? I showed you those things so that you would be know not to make similar mistakes. 

"The Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the hearts of all your descendants, so that  you will love him with all our heart and soul and so you may live!"

God, take me. Cut off the inedible parts of my heart. The extra. The unloving, judgmental, lusting, frightened, moldy parts. I am free from sin, so that I may live!