Gah

Name: Chad
This was composed yesterday off line. Josh's house is mean and requires a password to get online.
I have been changed, that much is obvious to me. I am much more intentional with every one of my relationships, I don't understand them as mine any longer, but rather as an extension of God's. And that changes things alot. But for the first time ever I am confused about relationships. I have never had to be before, because they were for my benefit. I would be with people because they were a combination of being fun or interesting or attractive or hilarious or otherwise beneficial to me. This included lots of churchy things aswell, simply because part of what I enjoy is serving and doing good. Now I am torn. Almost all of my relationships translated over more or less smoothly. God was working through my faults and selfishness before and is continuing now that my intentions are more intentional. Almost all my relationships translated smoothly, but not all. I am wary, and I am confused.
I have been doing a lot of writing about broken allegory lately, each time it seems like man attempts to assume the place of God and the allegory betrays that. I don’t want to try take that place. I fear I may be trying to. It seems so obvious, there is brokenness and I hate it, I want to help, I pray, contemplate, consider. And it fits. I could do good, or atleast try earnestly with reasonable expectations. I want to shout out and everything seems to fit so perfectly. But it could be me being selfish, and that scares the hell out of me. If I am being selfish then I think I could do some serious damage, and as far as I can understand through all the means available to me I don’t think that this is my will (rather than God’s). But the inherent nature could very well blind me and is almost intrinsically linked with selfishness.

God, don’t let me mess up. I give you full reign to break me down if any of this is in opposition to any of your will. My first priority is the execution of your will. Don’t let me stand in the way. I would be so pissed if anyone else messed up in a way that I very well could. Please dear God don’t let me. I am listening.