Really, no idea why I am posting...

The cute decision that I made recently was that I was pretty sure I no longer wanted good, rather I want Jesus. In my mind that is an important distinction to make but I am going to backtrack a little bit, because I need to find what I really want.
Let's start with where I started, when I began high school (about the same time I started caring about God) I wanted to be happy.
I had a whole semester of "being happy class" and through studying the attempts of people to be happy since the beginning of time , or at least since they started recording it, I think I came to the conclusion that if there was a good (read: good), then embracing that would make me happy, because I think I wanted good. But at the same time I wanted happiness. I did things that didn't make me happy because I thought they were good.
I've been ignoring happiness and pursuing good because I thought they were connected. I was prepared to not be happy, but I think I still want to be happy, or at least part of the deal would be me being happy.
If I were to continue what I have been doing then the transition would be from wanting good to wanting God. That is how it is supposed to work in the whole developing Christian thing. You are supposed to want to be happy, that's being alive, and then you are supposed to realize that goodness is linked with happiness and then you are supposed to do some good, figure out that it made you a little happy, want some more of that, figure out that God is unbridled good, want God, have the happiness taken away so that you can discover if you really want to be happy or if you really want good (read: God), then you get your Christian power stone and evolve into a stage two Christian so that you can fight the enemy at his gates with your Holy Spirit hydro pump, win the battle that has already been won by God, die to yourself again all the while recruiting new members so they don't miss out on the winning, have a physical death and lose your own identity to become fully who you were made to be in it's purest form which is a part of God, at this point you evolve into a level three Christian becoming one with God to live in his kingdom for ever and ever, which is what you want because it is God because God is good and this makes you happy thus completing the goal of ethics.
I'm not sure if this bores me, or I just want to be happy. I think those are the two options about how I am feeling.
I had a long talk with Amanda assuming that it simply bores me, I'm not sure if that is true but it was fun to play with. The idea was that God is good, God is God, therefore good wins game over, boring. She was concerned about my level of reverence for God, I responded that I have a huge reverence and therefore completely assume he is faithful in what he has said and act accordingly, I'm just not excited about it because I truly believe it. Ryan has said a few times that there is no point in playing a game that you can't win, I don't think I see the point in playing a game that you have already won, (unless of course it is Risk and Ian refuses to admit defeat until I remove every last one of his pieces with my 200 man army). Actually let's assume it's that, the enemy refuses to admit defeat and is hoping to make a 200 roll streak with one man on Siam. That would be boring, but still understandable, in this game there is no 200 roll streak that he can win, it's already over, it's just not being admitted. This is stupid. I don't like it and it bores me.
The second option was that maybe I don't want God, maybe I just want to be happy. Maybe I don't even care about that maybe I just want to enjoy life now and have a good time. I certainly want to do that most of the time but don't for the simple reason of practicality, maybe that is unnecessary and I should just go with it. Here is the part that makes me not want to talk to people about this: I, in my own power, can make myself happy. I'm almost positive that I can, and I know the whole rebuttal to that but I don't believe it. The church response is always that you can have a good time in the short term but long term it won't work out. Honestly, barring a concerted effort on God's part to mess me up, I am set up so perfectly right now that I fully believe I can use the resources available to me to become happy in the short term and then continue that long term indefinitely until I die. I can reconcile that thought with a complete trust in God extremely easily. I don't do this because either I believe that God is the way to happiness or I truly have given up my want for happiness in favor of something greater. But that still has the remnants of selfishness. Robinson once said that being a Christian is the most selfish thing you can do and a friend of mine flipped out on him, but I agree with Robinson, or at least I did at the time, that being a Christian is the most selfish because in the end you see yourself winning. What I am trying to decide here is if I am going to want to be happy no matter what. That would suck.
I can form every answer, if someone was telling me this, I know what to say, I don't know if I care about those answers.
I felt bad, when I was talking to Amanda, she wanted to fix me and I kept trying to avoid talking about me because I wasn't going to get fixed through talking.
When you write a article you have to break everything into short paragraphs, no more than a few sentences at max, I wrote nine inches yesterday and I had ten paragraphs.
Is it possible to not want happiness? I suspect that is important to me. Is the Christian walk just figuring out different ways to be happy, redefining happiness?
What's the freedom for? I've been playing with that a lot lately, it has been my validation for not doing christiany things, knowing that I am free from the rituals and the necessity to pray, or read my bible, or do anything that Scotty could keep my accountable for. I've heard the argument they aren't necessary but rather the result of fidelity, a natural overflow. I'm pretty sure that's mostly BS and am trying to figure out what we are free for.
I stopped the rituals.
I could do a few things, I could ignore it and move on that would be a simple one, but I don't think it would last for more than a few months before I'm back here again. I could sit down with good friends and talk through it, talk to God, understand why I am in this place figure out how I will grow from it, and keep going. I could deal with it. I think that would lead me up to a long term crash eventually. Or I l could lay here and complain about it, that leads to.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to post this, I don't really know why. I wrote it in a very postable style but the only point would be...attention, or maybe having people talk to me about it which I don't want anyway, maybe I do and just won't admit it, both of them. If I post it may just be as a ritual, no good would come of it really. It's not like I can say I am doing it for our small group, because let's be honest four people even check this and none of them are looking for an example, or if someone was this whole post would be a pretty bad example. I just referred to it as a post, so I think I want to, no idea why tho, probably some underlying need for attention.