Unconditional

Josh and I mentioned today that we have gone for 10 days without using a direct scripture reference. I'm going to continue that apparently.

There were quite a few running jokes this week, the one for me was that I don't feel anything. This came from some reflection times, reactions to some scenes, and a mention that I don't burn easily. A typical one would go like this: On the volcano, "Watch one of us is going to misjudge and fall straight through", "Oh don't worry about Chad he'd be down in the lava, 'Guys, I just don't feel anything right now'". A few things inspired alot in many of the guys, myself included. Things from the houses of some of our children literally in a garbage dump, their bare mattresses covered in flys, with teenagers snorting five feet from their doors, to children holding hands in a graveyard, what should be a beautiful image marred by a machete hanging from the belt of a child no older than 10, to having the students break down in tears in my arms, hearing their stories. These are powerful images, and they are just a handful of what I remember now. But I am often oddly detached. There is action, but I am not moved to action. A serenity exists for me in this. There is no worry. Every one of my actions I think mirror what I would do if there was a deep passion, but there is not, because there is no worry. I was reading James, and my lack is not a lack of faith nor a lack of action, but of passion.
On the plane ride over I was reading the Four Loves, by Lewis, and it talks about an approach love and a closeness love. As I refine what I am thinking I am wary of trying to replicate the love of God when the best way for me to love may look different at this time. But 'unconditional feelings' was the phrase that I am playing with now. Not needing the condition of passion to love on these children, their parents, ect. This seems dangerous now, but I am exploring it. I think that this most closely resembles the way God loves, but it may be all wrong for me.
I don't know what else to do, I pray about it, I want to submit, I think this is the way, but once again I am hesitant. Lord, sometimes I am so sure I understand, is that pride? Break these plans if they are not yours, I only what what you have for me, none of my own inventions. I can believe that this may be good and will purse it as if it were, but I am open to listening, being wrong. It's yours, I will be here trying to discern, but I will be listening, remind me to do that if I forget.