And you need proof why?

Name: Chad
Scripture: II Samuel 21-22; II Corinthians 8

OAP: I'm doing this again to get back in the habit. I think overall the blog is good, private journal is lame and is an easy excuse either not do it or do it poorly.
I was reading the scripture, and as far as I can tell it had alot to say. I don't really care at all.

I've felt like crap for the past few days. I don't know what to do with it. I want it to mean something, I want to grow. I also want to feel better. I want to give it up to God, but I want to fully experience what he has for me here. I've always been really good at the, "giving it to God" and don't worry about it thing, but I know the value of sitting amongst my weeds. I could do either. I could not "do" anything. I want to be OK, I don't want to waste this experience.
I feel like complete surrender here is cheating. I don't want to cheat. I want to deal though. So I'm learning, or I will be. A big part of me doesn't care so much about the learning. The growing will be good, at a price. I just don't see why this is necessary. This isn't going to go away, I think I am changed now, I don't like that.
See, now I've learned something about myself. And its cheap and I don't care. I want more than to figure out my flaws. I want to love you more, that would be worth it. There it is again, now I am understanding the way this could help me more know you but I am still hurt. It's like a game, I am becoming a more complete human and you are using all facets of my life to do that, I don't want to play. Isn't there a better way. Ah great, my pridefullness again, thanks, way to kick me when I'm down.
I've given it to you, I gave this to you a long time ago, I continue to give it on a daily basis so why the constant checking that I wasn't lying, and why does it have to hurt so damn bad. If it is for your glory then I will be glad. So here it is, and I truly am glad. I also feel horrible and I still will be glad here. But you already knew that, I already knew that, what the hell are we proving here? You wanted me to feel, and still want you. Great, you win. Why was this necessary at all?