Why did I ask for this?

Name: Chad
Scripture:
No specific scripture, I am just going to lay out what I have been talking with God about.

OAP: It's nearly 4 am, I have been having a truly bad night since about midnight. Before midnight was hot tub Friday, which is always great, although I didn't hot tub tonight. If anyone has really gotten me to talk about myself in the past week or so (which would have been really easy this week because I needed to talk, and I did) I would have talked about my apathy, not really caring about anything. Doing life, and doing it well, but overall I don't think I would miss much that could be taken away from me. I have no passion for anything really, I love living and am immensely enjoying life, but all in all it doesn't matter to me. Something hit me over the past few days and I cared about it, I don't really know why I cared, it still doesn't make sense to me, but I cared. Now I remember why I didn't care before, it often hurts, physical pain. I don't like it, it makes me jaded, it makes me not sleep for four hours, it makes me selfish, it sucks. I really hate that it makes me selfish, I may be arrogant but a perk of apathy is that I was allowed to be much more selfless. I prayed to care about something, now I do, I don't want to. I think I am worse off because of it.

I feel that if I give this completely to you God then things will go back to how they were before. I don't want that. This doesn't fit the sitting among my weeds but there are parallels. I think that you want me to dwell here for a while, maybe longer. I give that choice fully to you, if you want this it is yours, but if you want me to live in it then I will bear it. God it hurts.