Knalybralt (v.)- The pace between a skip and a run

Name: Scott 
Scripture: 2 Chronicles 6; Matthew 7:7-11

At Terra Nova last night, we went through Matthew 7:7-11. "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."

It was interesting to see everyone's response to this passage. Some people saw this passage just as I see it, and that was cool because they were able to express it in more words than I can. Some people took different takes on it, and our conversation went in a zillion different directions. 

Tony and I were pretty much on the same page. This passage makes a point to say KEEP ON asking, and you will receive. KEEP ON seeking, and you will find. Our faith is an active one, and it requires us to be on our toes constantly. God is not going to work with us if we say, "God, please do this. Thanks" or "God, show me this" and then expect him to just drop something on our doorstep, or speak in a booming voice like he did to Moses. Perseverance is a must. God already knows what we want, and if we are close enough with him, our desires are already his desires. We need to show him that we really desire the things that we ask of him, and are even willing to sacrifice something to get whatever it is.

  *(Sidenote- today was payday. I got a pretty hefty check. I took the money out of my account that I need to tithe on Sunday, and I also had a couple bills leftover from something else. I didn't want to have these extra bills, but whatever. As I was coming to Starbucks to do this blog, I got off at Almaden, which I never do. I was all the way back, and by the time I crossed the light, I saw that homeless lady that is always standing on the corner. I didn't even have any cash with me, but I kind of wish that 1. I had the cash to give to her and 2. I had been far enough forward that she had come to my window. At the same time I was glad I still had my money, because I think that I still would've had to tithe that money if I gave it to her. After sitting here a while, the shift that was on came up to me and gave me $85 worth of tips from the past two weeks. After I had gotten my paycheck this morning! "Listen to the little man in your head. He thinks a lot of the same things I do. Don't worry about anything. I will always provide for you, even when you don't expect it. See?")

2 Chronicles is Solomon's long prayer to God that he makes right before he opens the Temple he has just built. I liked it, because I have been not praying. At all. For a while. And now being convicted of it. And this was a good example of a sweet prayer that a wise man said. Read it or something.

God, I am still working on trusting that you have a plan for me. Give me opportunities to spend time with you that I very well can not take. And if I do take them, then good. But knowing me, I will probably take a nap. Thanks for being here for me. 

What to read

Name: Chad
Scripture: I Kings 7; Matthew 7:1-23
OAP: I am disappointed to find that the soap is back in Matthew, during my trip I finished up Corinthians, James and some of 1st Peter. I liked those better. Constructive reflections on Jesus, ways to adjust, Jesus is much more big picture radical. It probably didn't help that I chose to read these in KJV.

I am reading a few books right now, one of them is Paradise Lost, without a doubt it is a great book, but it is a slow read and though I know it is worth the effort in the long term to adjust my lens, I find myself much more willing to pick up specific poetry or a book I know to be relevant to what I am dealing with. This is not to say that I ignore Milton, I just have placed him on the second tier for my priorities. I know that I will be changed by Milton, but in a big picture way not dealing with the immediate, whereas Donne is going to speak to where I am at.

It is the same here. Long term world view versus immediate growth. Matthew versus James. Both are good.

God, Father, I don't know. The plan is mine, if it is good let me see the good fruit, if it is not let me not follow through, see the bad fruit and abandon the tree. Here it goes.

Unconditional

Josh and I mentioned today that we have gone for 10 days without using a direct scripture reference. I'm going to continue that apparently.

There were quite a few running jokes this week, the one for me was that I don't feel anything. This came from some reflection times, reactions to some scenes, and a mention that I don't burn easily. A typical one would go like this: On the volcano, "Watch one of us is going to misjudge and fall straight through", "Oh don't worry about Chad he'd be down in the lava, 'Guys, I just don't feel anything right now'". A few things inspired alot in many of the guys, myself included. Things from the houses of some of our children literally in a garbage dump, their bare mattresses covered in flys, with teenagers snorting five feet from their doors, to children holding hands in a graveyard, what should be a beautiful image marred by a machete hanging from the belt of a child no older than 10, to having the students break down in tears in my arms, hearing their stories. These are powerful images, and they are just a handful of what I remember now. But I am often oddly detached. There is action, but I am not moved to action. A serenity exists for me in this. There is no worry. Every one of my actions I think mirror what I would do if there was a deep passion, but there is not, because there is no worry. I was reading James, and my lack is not a lack of faith nor a lack of action, but of passion.
On the plane ride over I was reading the Four Loves, by Lewis, and it talks about an approach love and a closeness love. As I refine what I am thinking I am wary of trying to replicate the love of God when the best way for me to love may look different at this time. But 'unconditional feelings' was the phrase that I am playing with now. Not needing the condition of passion to love on these children, their parents, ect. This seems dangerous now, but I am exploring it. I think that this most closely resembles the way God loves, but it may be all wrong for me.
I don't know what else to do, I pray about it, I want to submit, I think this is the way, but once again I am hesitant. Lord, sometimes I am so sure I understand, is that pride? Break these plans if they are not yours, I only what what you have for me, none of my own inventions. I can believe that this may be good and will purse it as if it were, but I am open to listening, being wrong. It's yours, I will be here trying to discern, but I will be listening, remind me to do that if I forget.

i almost posted something tonight but then i thought to myself, screw it.

yet another nose surgery today. hopefully ill breathe better after all the blood clots come out?

why are you doing this?

i dont care that it hurts i care that it doesnt make any sense. im not growing. im not learning. this isnt in any way beneficial.

can you tell me anything now? give me any clarity? any closure? or should i just wait more.

i can't find words god. love? hope? peace? i struggle to chain thoughts and ideas together. i feel but i cant describe. i think but i cant convey. i desire to know and understand, god. i cant find words.

do it. i cant stop you, i cant change your will. do it.

I love Josh.

Slightly different argument

Name: Chad
Scripture: Psalm 18; II Corinthians 9

OAP: I didn't put much into the scripture tonight, and in return I didn't get much out of it.

I have been reading a bit of Milton, so I'm going to steal his prayer as my own. I'm so Catholic.

And chiefly Thou O Spirit, that dost prefer

Before all Temples th' upright heart and pure,

Instruct me, for Thou know'st; Thou from the first
Wast present, and with mighty wings outspread

Dove-like satst brooding on the vast Abyss

And mad'st it pregnant: What in me is dark

Illumine, what is low raise and support;

That to the highth of this great Argument

I may assert th' Eternal Providence

And you need proof why?

Name: Chad
Scripture: II Samuel 21-22; II Corinthians 8

OAP: I'm doing this again to get back in the habit. I think overall the blog is good, private journal is lame and is an easy excuse either not do it or do it poorly.
I was reading the scripture, and as far as I can tell it had alot to say. I don't really care at all.

I've felt like crap for the past few days. I don't know what to do with it. I want it to mean something, I want to grow. I also want to feel better. I want to give it up to God, but I want to fully experience what he has for me here. I've always been really good at the, "giving it to God" and don't worry about it thing, but I know the value of sitting amongst my weeds. I could do either. I could not "do" anything. I want to be OK, I don't want to waste this experience.
I feel like complete surrender here is cheating. I don't want to cheat. I want to deal though. So I'm learning, or I will be. A big part of me doesn't care so much about the learning. The growing will be good, at a price. I just don't see why this is necessary. This isn't going to go away, I think I am changed now, I don't like that.
See, now I've learned something about myself. And its cheap and I don't care. I want more than to figure out my flaws. I want to love you more, that would be worth it. There it is again, now I am understanding the way this could help me more know you but I am still hurt. It's like a game, I am becoming a more complete human and you are using all facets of my life to do that, I don't want to play. Isn't there a better way. Ah great, my pridefullness again, thanks, way to kick me when I'm down.
I've given it to you, I gave this to you a long time ago, I continue to give it on a daily basis so why the constant checking that I wasn't lying, and why does it have to hurt so damn bad. If it is for your glory then I will be glad. So here it is, and I truly am glad. I also feel horrible and I still will be glad here. But you already knew that, I already knew that, what the hell are we proving here? You wanted me to feel, and still want you. Great, you win. Why was this necessary at all?

balls. (frustration^nth degree)

Name: josh
Scripture: Proverbs 16
"3Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed."

What about when you do, and they don't succeed? Did God want them to be epic failures? Did I not commit in the right way? Show me where I went wrong God I don't understand

"9In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps."

Why did you do it this way? This is NOT how i wanted it. God I'm not taking anything from this experience the way you made it turn out. Maybe ill look back later and see some sort of change or growth but right now it just sucks mucho butt.

i havent posted in ages and this probably isnt the best way to come back into it but i dont even care right now.

balls.

Grande halfcaf 2 pump mocha 1 pump white mocha 1% no foam marble mocha macchiato with whip

Name: Scott
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 16:10

"When Timothy comes, don't intimidate him. He is doing the Lord's work, just as I am."

OAP:

Timothy was a young'n. I don't think the Corinthians knew who he was. But they knew and loved Paul, and Paul knew, loved and endorsed Timothy. But there probably was temptation to have hostility towards Timothy because they didn't know him, and pretty much for that reason alone. 

Why are we so afraid of things we do not know? I have many times acted wrongly towards people I wasn't comfortable with, even though they were carrying a good message or whatever. And just because I don't know or may not agree with the ways that a person goes about doing God's work (like the C28 people) they are still doing what God wants them to do. 

Jesus, I am sorry for treating your Children with such disdain. For not giving them a fair change, for being overwhelmed with pride. Spirit, mold my attitude towards those people, especially when I go to college, so that I may build strong relationships and you would be seen. 

Also, give Day7 as a whole an open mind when the new pastor comes in, and be accepting of him. You've set them up well. You're the best.