yet another nose surgery today. hopefully ill breathe better after all the blood clots come out?

why are you doing this?

i dont care that it hurts i care that it doesnt make any sense. im not growing. im not learning. this isnt in any way beneficial.

can you tell me anything now? give me any clarity? any closure? or should i just wait more.

i can't find words god. love? hope? peace? i struggle to chain thoughts and ideas together. i feel but i cant describe. i think but i cant convey. i desire to know and understand, god. i cant find words.

do it. i cant stop you, i cant change your will. do it.

I love Josh.

Slightly different argument

Name: Chad
Scripture: Psalm 18; II Corinthians 9

OAP: I didn't put much into the scripture tonight, and in return I didn't get much out of it.

I have been reading a bit of Milton, so I'm going to steal his prayer as my own. I'm so Catholic.

And chiefly Thou O Spirit, that dost prefer

Before all Temples th' upright heart and pure,

Instruct me, for Thou know'st; Thou from the first
Wast present, and with mighty wings outspread

Dove-like satst brooding on the vast Abyss

And mad'st it pregnant: What in me is dark

Illumine, what is low raise and support;

That to the highth of this great Argument

I may assert th' Eternal Providence

And you need proof why?

Name: Chad
Scripture: II Samuel 21-22; II Corinthians 8

OAP: I'm doing this again to get back in the habit. I think overall the blog is good, private journal is lame and is an easy excuse either not do it or do it poorly.
I was reading the scripture, and as far as I can tell it had alot to say. I don't really care at all.

I've felt like crap for the past few days. I don't know what to do with it. I want it to mean something, I want to grow. I also want to feel better. I want to give it up to God, but I want to fully experience what he has for me here. I've always been really good at the, "giving it to God" and don't worry about it thing, but I know the value of sitting amongst my weeds. I could do either. I could not "do" anything. I want to be OK, I don't want to waste this experience.
I feel like complete surrender here is cheating. I don't want to cheat. I want to deal though. So I'm learning, or I will be. A big part of me doesn't care so much about the learning. The growing will be good, at a price. I just don't see why this is necessary. This isn't going to go away, I think I am changed now, I don't like that.
See, now I've learned something about myself. And its cheap and I don't care. I want more than to figure out my flaws. I want to love you more, that would be worth it. There it is again, now I am understanding the way this could help me more know you but I am still hurt. It's like a game, I am becoming a more complete human and you are using all facets of my life to do that, I don't want to play. Isn't there a better way. Ah great, my pridefullness again, thanks, way to kick me when I'm down.
I've given it to you, I gave this to you a long time ago, I continue to give it on a daily basis so why the constant checking that I wasn't lying, and why does it have to hurt so damn bad. If it is for your glory then I will be glad. So here it is, and I truly am glad. I also feel horrible and I still will be glad here. But you already knew that, I already knew that, what the hell are we proving here? You wanted me to feel, and still want you. Great, you win. Why was this necessary at all?

balls. (frustration^nth degree)

Name: josh
Scripture: Proverbs 16
"3Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed."

What about when you do, and they don't succeed? Did God want them to be epic failures? Did I not commit in the right way? Show me where I went wrong God I don't understand

"9In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps."

Why did you do it this way? This is NOT how i wanted it. God I'm not taking anything from this experience the way you made it turn out. Maybe ill look back later and see some sort of change or growth but right now it just sucks mucho butt.

i havent posted in ages and this probably isnt the best way to come back into it but i dont even care right now.

balls.

Grande halfcaf 2 pump mocha 1 pump white mocha 1% no foam marble mocha macchiato with whip

Name: Scott
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 16:10

"When Timothy comes, don't intimidate him. He is doing the Lord's work, just as I am."

OAP:

Timothy was a young'n. I don't think the Corinthians knew who he was. But they knew and loved Paul, and Paul knew, loved and endorsed Timothy. But there probably was temptation to have hostility towards Timothy because they didn't know him, and pretty much for that reason alone. 

Why are we so afraid of things we do not know? I have many times acted wrongly towards people I wasn't comfortable with, even though they were carrying a good message or whatever. And just because I don't know or may not agree with the ways that a person goes about doing God's work (like the C28 people) they are still doing what God wants them to do. 

Jesus, I am sorry for treating your Children with such disdain. For not giving them a fair change, for being overwhelmed with pride. Spirit, mold my attitude towards those people, especially when I go to college, so that I may build strong relationships and you would be seen. 

Also, give Day7 as a whole an open mind when the new pastor comes in, and be accepting of him. You've set them up well. You're the best.

If I had emotions, I would be embarrassed that people read this

Name: Chad
Scripture: II Samuel 4-5; Psalms 64-65; I Corinthians 13
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.

OAP: I got distracted with implications and then fell asleep typing this up last night, so I thought I would post it.
The partial shall fade away, yet love is eternal. So there is a fullness about love, a completeness or a rightness. As much as this is a description of God, in the vein of "God is love", or a definition used by christian kids to claim love, I read this more as a...I'm not sure, but not either of those.
This doesn't read like alot of scripture. It deals with the fleeting. Yet through it it goes into the eternal and truth. Maybe it is less conditional, not "love never ends" as in if it ends, then it wasn't love, but rather the goodness, the joy in truth, patience, kindness, those are the unbreakable. Then all the others, the fleeting, are breakable and will pass away. This may just be a "we win" passage. I don't feel like typing out all of the implications that are bouncing around in my head. It is a different understanding of the truth, or at least a new layer of it. For me.
I just read this over fairly quickly, there are alot of major gaps that I ignored because I understood and didn't need to explain. Maybe I will come back, it is worth fleshing out simply because the new layer of truth becomes more cemented and tangible for me. I may write about it eventually.

Is my unwillingness to delve deeper into this now going to hamper the finishing? I am sure I could talk myself into it, having a paper stored for Harville next year, that seems lie the epitome of nerdiness. Why wouldn't it be enough for me just to do? Oops. It's not like I would do it for that reason. Fine, I won't. It is enough, you are enough. OK, now that that is out of the way, back to the question. Ok, when?

I don't wanna

Name: Chad
Scripture: II Samuel 3; I Chron 12; I Corinthians 12
Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. 28 And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, helping, administrating, and various kinds of tongues. 29 Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? 30 Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? 31 But earnestly desire the higher gifts.

OAP: So I have to teach. Apparently I need an intro, something to bring in the audience and give them something to remember. I am also not supposed to tell them that I don't want to do an intro at all. I mostly ignore visuals, or at least any less than outstanding intro. The best teaching I have heard was given to a captive audience, with the teacher having no reservations about the interest of students, but rather about the quality of material. Not that an intro weakens the material in anyway, I just find it unnecessary. Mostly because I can't do one, at least not a real one in all seriousness, I think it is ridiculous. I know they are helpful to highschool students and necessary, but personally I don't like them, nor do I relate to them.

God, humble me in what I cannot do. Grow me in my strengths and let me be content in what you have for me and not covet any other types of ability. If parts or the whole needs to fail then so be it, for your greater glory.

Proof read for spelling errors

Name: Chad
Scripture: 2 Cr 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.The old has passed away; behold, the new has come

OAP: "Death to self, your will not mine, let me not get in the way of your Lord, don't let me play any part of this". These are prayers that I do a lot. The past few months I have been extremely cynical about anything that I want. Anything that I suspect comes from me I assume must be bad, and I don't want any part of it. I enjoy friends, therefore I will give them up for you. And I know that there are good things, but I can always see the possibility of idolatry. Adam told me something a few weeks back, I think it was an afterthought as I was leaving church, but it was significant. God made me a new heart, and it is good.
It was God's will and my will, I wanted my will destroyed. But although human, I am made in the image of God, reborn in the spirit. In short, I have good in me. I have God. This was interesting to grapple with, it meant a lot. I am wary of my thoughts, but I don't fear them, I may even embrace a few.

God, I want your will. I don't trust that I know it very well yet, but I am learning to listen in new ways. By far the newest is a certain amount of trust in the mind you gave me, the heart you crafted, the spirit you are refining.
Hallelujah

Digging

I have had a nice treat over the past five days. My English final requires me to be able to look at a random piece of poetry and deduce which of the poets we read this semester wrote it, and why. Also I have to be able to take a line and know which work it came from. So I spent the last five days surrounded by poetry. Not to mention speed reading POTAAAYM again.

In my busiest time I am required to read over the great works of language, to get to know them intamently. It is good. It is very good.

God, apparently pastels haven't been my medium for quite some time. I want to hear and speak with you better because of this. Thank you for letting me.

i am but one small instrument

p9bijmesa932hnujdnbpofesaasodnmofkgopsfcnvoiadeyaejma45ijedtji5aiaope654rtwwajwbn. balls.

im done trying God, its all you now.

huh.

Name: josh

i wasted this day as beautiful as it was. and i cant think of anything to say.

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." Romans 8:26-28

god what am i doing? i have no idea how to talk to you right now.

David pulls a Ferris

Name: Chad
Scripture: I Sam 19; Psalm 59; I Corinthians 2:6-16

And Michal took an image and laid it in the bed, put a cover of goats’ hair for his head, and covered it with clothes. 14 So when Saul sent messengers to take David, she said, “He is sick.”

OAP: I have been journaling incessantly, and not keeping up with the Old Testament soap at all, so I am a little out of context. Saul wanting David killed for no reason, family betrail and David's attempt to equal Ferris Beuller, maybe if he had the hand rigged up to the door it would have worked better. I remember Saul being a good guy, here he swears an oath and then attempts to skewer David.

God, let this discipline continue to become a habit. I demoted it in favor of things I deem more important, and things you have shown to be good, but I recognize the stability in this time. I don't know if it should be separate from my regular prayer time, although I am sure it would overlap. Guide me in that, maybe on a day by day basis or however you see fit. I like the constant.

i guess this is better than surgery

Name: Josh

i did the soap tonight in my notebook but im too lazy to type it out.
alternatively, here's part of my favorite hymn (been in my head all day) :

Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great father, i Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and i with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle shield, sword for the fight
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight
Thou my soul’s shelter, Thou my high tower;
Raise Thou me heavenward, O power of my power.

Well this is new...

Don't waste this

Me, Sarcastic?

Name: Chad
Scripture: Zechariah 7:9-12

Thus says the Lord of hosts: Render true judgment, and show kindness and compassion toward each other.Do not oppress the widow or the orphan, the alien or the poor; do not plot evil against one another in your hearts. But they refused to listen; they stubbornly turned their backs and stopped their ears so as not to hear. And they made their hearts diamond-hard so as not to hear the teaching and the message that the Lord of hosts had sent by his spirit through the former prophets.

OAP: I wrote a scathing sarcastic paper on this passage tonight. It was mostly self mockery and condemnation.


God, akdfsj. Why don't I pray about this, my very lifestyle is going against it yet my mind and prayer time are almost completely consumed by something that in no way will help me better love these oppressed people. Atleast I think so. I want to follow your will, break whatever is not it.

"Did I do well?" - Izzard

Name: Chad
Scripture: I Samuel 6-8; Galatians 1

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

OAP: The soap I wrote last night makes me sound like an elitist prick. I don't care. It was what I needed to think about and the way I did it was the best way for me. These aren't supposed to make sense to you. I know that by addressing the reader I am seemingly contradicting what I am saying, but I need to put it down in text. I wrote something last night and then I edited it. I was talking about modernism and post modernism and to me it made sense, but I thought that it sounded like I was throwing around terms for no constructive reason other than to prove I can distinguish between my modern and p modern thoughts. So I edited it to please you. So you would understand better what I meant.

God, I don't always act as if your approval is all that I want. It wasn't a big thing, but it was an act solely to allow them to understand, at the expense of that was what I was really trying to understand through those terms. I am sorry. Thankyou for making me aware of it. I want to serve you.

The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place

Name: Scott
Scripture: Galatians 1:10

"Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant."

OAP:

Paul used to persecute. After his transformation, people didn't believe he was different, and were very hostile towards him. If anyone would need the "approval of people", it would be him.

Sometimes I only want to further my knowledge of the Bible and of the character of God so that I can impress other people with that knowledge. 

Jesus, I only need to please you. Move my eyes from this world to you.