The cute decision that I made recently was that I was pretty sure I no longer wanted good, rather I want Jesus. In my mind that is an important distinction to make but I am going to backtrack a little bit, because I need to find what I really want.
Let's start with where I started, when I began high school (about the same time I started caring about God) I wanted to be happy.
I had a whole semester of "being happy class" and through studying the attempts of people to be happy since the beginning of time , or at least since they started recording it, I think I came to the conclusion that if there was a good (read: good), then embracing that would make me happy, because I think I wanted good. But at the same time I wanted happiness. I did things that didn't make me happy because I thought they were good.
I've been ignoring happiness and pursuing good because I thought they were connected. I was prepared to not be happy, but I think I still want to be happy, or at least part of the deal would be me being happy.
If I were to continue what I have been doing then the transition would be from wanting good to wanting God. That is how it is supposed to work in the whole developing Christian thing. You are supposed to want to be happy, that's being alive, and then you are supposed to realize that goodness is linked with happiness and then you are supposed to do some good, figure out that it made you a little happy, want some more of that, figure out that God is unbridled good, want God, have the happiness taken away so that you can discover if you really want to be happy or if you really want good (read: God), then you get your Christian power stone and evolve into a stage two Christian so that you can fight the enemy at his gates with your Holy Spirit hydro pump, win the battle that has already been won by God, die to yourself again all the while recruiting new members so they don't miss out on the winning, have a physical death and lose your own identity to become fully who you were made to be in it's purest form which is a part of God, at this point you evolve into a level three Christian becoming one with God to live in his kingdom for ever and ever, which is what you want because it is God because God is good and this makes you happy thus completing the goal of ethics.
I'm not sure if this bores me, or I just want to be happy. I think those are the two options about how I am feeling.
I had a long talk with Amanda assuming that it simply bores me, I'm not sure if that is true but it was fun to play with. The idea was that God is good, God is God, therefore good wins game over, boring. She was concerned about my level of reverence for God, I responded that I have a huge reverence and therefore completely assume he is faithful in what he has said and act accordingly, I'm just not excited about it because I truly believe it. Ryan has said a few times that there is no point in playing a game that you can't win, I don't think I see the point in playing a game that you have already won, (unless of course it is Risk and Ian refuses to admit defeat until I remove every last one of his pieces with my 200 man army). Actually let's assume it's that, the enemy refuses to admit defeat and is hoping to make a 200 roll streak with one man on Siam. That would be boring, but still understandable, in this game there is no 200 roll streak that he can win, it's already over, it's just not being admitted. This is stupid. I don't like it and it bores me.
The second option was that maybe I don't want God, maybe I just want to be happy. Maybe I don't even care about that maybe I just want to enjoy life now and have a good time. I certainly want to do that most of the time but don't for the simple reason of practicality, maybe that is unnecessary and I should just go with it. Here is the part that makes me not want to talk to people about this: I, in my own power, can make myself happy. I'm almost positive that I can, and I know the whole rebuttal to that but I don't believe it. The church response is always that you can have a good time in the short term but long term it won't work out. Honestly, barring a concerted effort on God's part to mess me up, I am set up so perfectly right now that I fully believe I can use the resources available to me to become happy in the short term and then continue that long term indefinitely until I die. I can reconcile that thought with a complete trust in God extremely easily. I don't do this because either I believe that God is the way to happiness or I truly have given up my want for happiness in favor of something greater. But that still has the remnants of selfishness. Robinson once said that being a Christian is the most selfish thing you can do and a friend of mine flipped out on him, but I agree with Robinson, or at least I did at the time, that being a Christian is the most selfish because in the end you see yourself winning. What I am trying to decide here is if I am going to want to be happy no matter what. That would suck.
I can form every answer, if someone was telling me this, I know what to say, I don't know if I care about those answers.
I felt bad, when I was talking to Amanda, she wanted to fix me and I kept trying to avoid talking about me because I wasn't going to get fixed through talking.
When you write a article you have to break everything into short paragraphs, no more than a few sentences at max, I wrote nine inches yesterday and I had ten paragraphs.
Is it possible to not want happiness? I suspect that is important to me. Is the Christian walk just figuring out different ways to be happy, redefining happiness?
What's the freedom for? I've been playing with that a lot lately, it has been my validation for not doing christiany things, knowing that I am free from the rituals and the necessity to pray, or read my bible, or do anything that Scotty could keep my accountable for. I've heard the argument they aren't necessary but rather the result of fidelity, a natural overflow. I'm pretty sure that's mostly BS and am trying to figure out what we are free for.
I stopped the rituals.
I could do a few things, I could ignore it and move on that would be a simple one, but I don't think it would last for more than a few months before I'm back here again. I could sit down with good friends and talk through it, talk to God, understand why I am in this place figure out how I will grow from it, and keep going. I could deal with it. I think that would lead me up to a long term crash eventually. Or I l could lay here and complain about it, that leads to.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to post this, I don't really know why. I wrote it in a very postable style but the only point would be...attention, or maybe having people talk to me about it which I don't want anyway, maybe I do and just won't admit it, both of them. If I post it may just be as a ritual, no good would come of it really. It's not like I can say I am doing it for our small group, because let's be honest four people even check this and none of them are looking for an example, or if someone was this whole post would be a pretty bad example. I just referred to it as a post, so I think I want to, no idea why tho, probably some underlying need for attention.
Wednesday, July 23
Monday, July 14
Cheating
Name: Chad
Scripture: Psalm 137
OAP: I think I will lose the accountability bet with Scott, but technically I haven't yet. I don't want to soap again yet; I don't want to lose; I decided to cheat.
This is an explication I wrote for my English class. I started it four hours before it was due, in my car, in between my History final and my IR final. It is my soap for tonight. I find this situation/post fairly humorous btw.
Trust, Love and Infanticide
It is easy to sing Praises in the land of milk and honey. To worship during times of trials is a higher calling that few can do earnestly. In “Psalm 137” the author, “most likely a captive Levite” (Treasury), explores the conditions of his thankfulness. No longer able to love God for pleasures sake, the Israelites are invited to continue their relationship and love God solely for God’s sake. Through a time of spiritual and physical desolation the psalmist leans on the foundations of understanding his own brokenness, God’s glory and God’s justice.
The Israelites worshiped and connected with God through singing praises in his holy city, a land promised to them. The opening line of the Psalm highlights Israelites separation from God’s creation and placement into the creation of humanity. The “rivers of Babylon” (l. 1) are not the natural rivers of the region but rather canals that the Babylonians created themselves. These canals are shallow imitations of the Tigris or the Euphrates, a constant reminder of failure as the Jews passively “sat mourning” (l. 1). The title, a frustrated question which is also mirrored in line 4, addresses a central conflict, that of keeping fidelity to God when the means of praise would be a mockery of itself. Robert Bellarmine noted that “they could not attempt to expose their sacred hymns to the ridicule of gentiles”(Treasury), for the Babylonians only “asked… for the words of a song” (l. 3), a hollow shell resembling praise. The removal of God’s felt presence transformed a tool of worship into temptation.
The individual conflict of this temptation for the psalmist becomes evident through his shifting from the plural first person pronoun “we”(l.4) in line four to the singular “I” (l. 5) in the following line. The communal lamentation evolves into a personal struggle in which the speaker declares fidelity as his only concern. Jesus will later echo this psalm stating that “if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away” (Matt 5:30). The psalmist promises if the songs of worship are not sung with the purest of intentions, if God “is not exalt[ed…] beyond all [his] delights”(l. 6), then what had previously been one of his chief joys, an incarnation of praise, is nothing but a ritual in which God takes no delight (Leviticus 26:31). Singing a song of joy has no place in this foreign land, yet the cry of frustration is in itself a song, one not of a reaction to the situation God placed him in, but of remembrance and trust in the future.
The writer has complete confidence that justice will be enacted and that he himself has already won. The Hebrew word “shadad” (Lexicon) is used both as a curse and a judgment. The tense of “shadad” (Lexicon) is ambiguous, while it may very well be as many scholars translate it, an active appositive, as “Babylon, you destroyer”, such as it is translated in the New American Standard Bible, an equally plausible translation is as a gerundive, “Babylon, about to be destroyed” as in the King James Version. Moral justification is not even a question, he is certain his cry is in conjunction with the will of God, so doubtless that those who “not with [Him are] against [Him]” (Luke 11:23) that he writes possibly the most controversial passage in all of Hebrew scripture: “Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock” (l. 9). The implications are clear, all who favor the oppression of the Jews are guilty and condemned to death, to end the generations of a hostile people is justice in the eyes of the psalmist.
“Psalm 137” is written in frustration and anger; the common tools of worship have become idols in the presence of the Babylonian. It is easy to sing praises when in the temple; it is easier still to rely on the habits of singing when in a trying time. The psalmist recognizes the time for everything “a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4) and yet even while he cries out for murder of infants, he cries out in trust. The psalm’s bitter stance toward worship, when taken as an honest heart, becomes itself a deeper form of praise.
Scripture: Psalm 137
How can we sing to the Lord?
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion.
We hanged our harps upon the willows in the midst thereof.
For there they that carried us away captive required of us a song; and they that wasted us required of us mirth, saying, Sing us one of the songs of Zion.
How shall we sing the LORDS song in a strange land?
5 If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning.
If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth; if I prefer not Jerusalem above my chief joy.
Remember, O LORD, the children of Edom in the day of Jerusalem; who said, Rase it, rase it, even to the foundation thereof.
O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us.
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion.
We hanged our harps upon the willows in the midst thereof.
For there they that carried us away captive required of us a song; and they that wasted us required of us mirth, saying, Sing us one of the songs of Zion.
How shall we sing the LORDS song in a strange land?
5 If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning.
If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth; if I prefer not Jerusalem above my chief joy.
Remember, O LORD, the children of Edom in the day of Jerusalem; who said, Rase it, rase it, even to the foundation thereof.
O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us.
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
OAP: I think I will lose the accountability bet with Scott, but technically I haven't yet. I don't want to soap again yet; I don't want to lose; I decided to cheat.
This is an explication I wrote for my English class. I started it four hours before it was due, in my car, in between my History final and my IR final. It is my soap for tonight. I find this situation/post fairly humorous btw.
Trust, Love and Infanticide
It is easy to sing Praises in the land of milk and honey. To worship during times of trials is a higher calling that few can do earnestly. In “Psalm 137” the author, “most likely a captive Levite” (Treasury), explores the conditions of his thankfulness. No longer able to love God for pleasures sake, the Israelites are invited to continue their relationship and love God solely for God’s sake. Through a time of spiritual and physical desolation the psalmist leans on the foundations of understanding his own brokenness, God’s glory and God’s justice.
The Israelites worshiped and connected with God through singing praises in his holy city, a land promised to them. The opening line of the Psalm highlights Israelites separation from God’s creation and placement into the creation of humanity. The “rivers of Babylon” (l. 1) are not the natural rivers of the region but rather canals that the Babylonians created themselves. These canals are shallow imitations of the Tigris or the Euphrates, a constant reminder of failure as the Jews passively “sat mourning” (l. 1). The title, a frustrated question which is also mirrored in line 4, addresses a central conflict, that of keeping fidelity to God when the means of praise would be a mockery of itself. Robert Bellarmine noted that “they could not attempt to expose their sacred hymns to the ridicule of gentiles”(Treasury), for the Babylonians only “asked… for the words of a song” (l. 3), a hollow shell resembling praise. The removal of God’s felt presence transformed a tool of worship into temptation.
The individual conflict of this temptation for the psalmist becomes evident through his shifting from the plural first person pronoun “we”(l.4) in line four to the singular “I” (l. 5) in the following line. The communal lamentation evolves into a personal struggle in which the speaker declares fidelity as his only concern. Jesus will later echo this psalm stating that “if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away” (Matt 5:30). The psalmist promises if the songs of worship are not sung with the purest of intentions, if God “is not exalt[ed…] beyond all [his] delights”(l. 6), then what had previously been one of his chief joys, an incarnation of praise, is nothing but a ritual in which God takes no delight (Leviticus 26:31). Singing a song of joy has no place in this foreign land, yet the cry of frustration is in itself a song, one not of a reaction to the situation God placed him in, but of remembrance and trust in the future.
The writer has complete confidence that justice will be enacted and that he himself has already won. The Hebrew word “shadad” (Lexicon) is used both as a curse and a judgment. The tense of “shadad” (Lexicon) is ambiguous, while it may very well be as many scholars translate it, an active appositive, as “Babylon, you destroyer”, such as it is translated in the New American Standard Bible, an equally plausible translation is as a gerundive, “Babylon, about to be destroyed” as in the King James Version. Moral justification is not even a question, he is certain his cry is in conjunction with the will of God, so doubtless that those who “not with [Him are] against [Him]” (Luke 11:23) that he writes possibly the most controversial passage in all of Hebrew scripture: “Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock” (l. 9). The implications are clear, all who favor the oppression of the Jews are guilty and condemned to death, to end the generations of a hostile people is justice in the eyes of the psalmist.
“Psalm 137” is written in frustration and anger; the common tools of worship have become idols in the presence of the Babylonian. It is easy to sing praises when in the temple; it is easier still to rely on the habits of singing when in a trying time. The psalmist recognizes the time for everything “a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4) and yet even while he cries out for murder of infants, he cries out in trust. The psalm’s bitter stance toward worship, when taken as an honest heart, becomes itself a deeper form of praise.
i dont want this to be another day
i want to live now.
"19We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. 20We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true—even in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life." - 1 John 5
i hate the state of the world we live in. i hate the depravity i constantly find myself sinking into. i know the truth and life God offers me and how badly i need it. i know it well. but do i take it as my own? im tired of days and weeks and routines and the things around me. i know there has to be something more here and i believe that. i find god in moments, interactions, situations. and those are some great moments. but most other times suck pretty hard. why am i not living in him always? i feel like my life has become an on/off switch. and most off the time im just off.
"19We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. 20We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true—even in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life." - 1 John 5
i hate the state of the world we live in. i hate the depravity i constantly find myself sinking into. i know the truth and life God offers me and how badly i need it. i know it well. but do i take it as my own? im tired of days and weeks and routines and the things around me. i know there has to be something more here and i believe that. i find god in moments, interactions, situations. and those are some great moments. but most other times suck pretty hard. why am i not living in him always? i feel like my life has become an on/off switch. and most off the time im just off.
Sunday, July 13
Ain't no river wide
Name: Scott
Scripture:
"9And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."-Philippians 1:9-11
OAP:
This is my prayer for myself as I prepare to build new relationships in the fall and continue on my journey. This is also my prayer for a few specific people who are also leaving and will be faced with negativity and temptation and things not from Jesus. Love is what will keep us pure and blameless. Knowing how to best portray love is something that will hopefully come over time.
Jesus, teach me how to love.
Scripture:
"9And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."-Philippians 1:9-11
OAP:
This is my prayer for myself as I prepare to build new relationships in the fall and continue on my journey. This is also my prayer for a few specific people who are also leaving and will be faced with negativity and temptation and things not from Jesus. Love is what will keep us pure and blameless. Knowing how to best portray love is something that will hopefully come over time.
Jesus, teach me how to love.
Lions for Lambs
Name: Scott
Scripture: Matthew 17:19-21
"Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, 'Whhy couldn't we drive it out?' He replied, 'Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you c an say to this mountain, 'move form here to there' and it will move Nothing will be impossible for you.'"
OAP:
I don't fully understand why Peter and the gang weren't able to drive out that demon because of little faith. They obviously had to have had some degree of faith to be following Jesus, so it was obviously bigger than a mustard seed or whatever.
Maybe the reason that I have been asking God 'why have I not been hearing you or seeing cool things from you' is because I have not had enough faith that he will do things or something.
Show me where I am lacking in faith. Point out my weak areas so I can try to deal with them.
Scripture: Matthew 17:19-21
"Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, 'Whhy couldn't we drive it out?' He replied, 'Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you c an say to this mountain, 'move form here to there' and it will move Nothing will be impossible for you.'"
OAP:
I don't fully understand why Peter and the gang weren't able to drive out that demon because of little faith. They obviously had to have had some degree of faith to be following Jesus, so it was obviously bigger than a mustard seed or whatever.
Maybe the reason that I have been asking God 'why have I not been hearing you or seeing cool things from you' is because I have not had enough faith that he will do things or something.
Show me where I am lacking in faith. Point out my weak areas so I can try to deal with them.
The most useless blog post yet
Name: Chad
Scripture: Proverbs 21-22
OAP:
I really didn't want to do this again, I haven't since Hume, I didn't at Hume either. Actually, I still don't want to do this. I'm not sure if I am going to. (Judging by the way I am writing this I have been reading way too many stream of consciousness authors) I got sick of pastor answers while at Hume, sick of the nonstop growth and learning that has been happening with me for the past 6 months, sick of God teaching me things and discovering things about myself, sick of learning how to love God better. Scott and I decided to be accountable about the blog this week, but reading quickly over Proverb 21, I don't think that I want to yet.
Scripture: Proverbs 21-22
OAP:
I really didn't want to do this again, I haven't since Hume, I didn't at Hume either. Actually, I still don't want to do this. I'm not sure if I am going to. (Judging by the way I am writing this I have been reading way too many stream of consciousness authors) I got sick of pastor answers while at Hume, sick of the nonstop growth and learning that has been happening with me for the past 6 months, sick of God teaching me things and discovering things about myself, sick of learning how to love God better. Scott and I decided to be accountable about the blog this week, but reading quickly over Proverb 21, I don't think that I want to yet.
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